By: Ayodimeji Ameenat Oluwaseun
Take online courses. Only the ones that give signed certificates. You don’t have to have an interest in or even understand the course. It can also be a course you’d never need; just collect your certificate and post it on social media. Caption it growth. Remember the more the certificates you have, the better a person you are.
Post pages of books. Not just any book, bestsellers or the ones with popular authors. If you don’t have books that fit in this category, that’s not a problem, you can borrow from siblings or friends. You don’t have to go through the stress of reading them, just open a random page, and caption it with something Aristotle was reported to have said on the importance of reading books. The more books you pretend to have read, the more you can spread pretend knowledge which is exactly the same thing as actual knowledge.
Comment on every trending topic and state your opinions like they are researched fact, but you have to be careful so you don’t get dragged. Use words like “I’m not going to judge” before going ahead to judge. Use expressions like “no offense”, “let’s leave emotions”, or “just for laughs, don’t take me seriously” before dropping tribalistic, racist, absurd or otherwise rude comments. Don’t forget to add how it is your opinion and how your freedom of speech isn’t limited.
Make jokes about how you’re horny because of the Covid-19 induced lockdown and social distancing precautions. It doesn’t matter that you weren’t getting it or eating before the pandemic. 2020 was your year of losing your virginity, but don’t tell other people that anyways. The pandemic is taking a lot of things from you already, don’t let it take away your wokeness.
Do a giveaway. Support your friends’ business. Give away their products. You need the products, but the masses need it more. Don’t worry about the payments. You can pay your friends later. That is why you chose to patronize them in the first place. If you run out of friends to be indebted to, do fake giveaways. But be careful, there mustn’t be a caught.
Call everyone on social media an idiot, especially those who get caught flouting the lockdown directives. Turn a blind eye to your parents who go out daily, that one is excusable since they provide you shelter and your daily bread. Embrace your cousins who come to visit, especially those that take public transport; they go through all that just to see you. Besides, it is your family. It’s not possible any of you get infected, you all are the special ones.
Ayodimeji Ameenat is a third-year law student with keen interest in creative writing; she is a campus journalist and an ADR enthusiast. She is a volunteer that enjoys humanitarian services. She relaxes by watching spoken word videos, reading books and eating.