Lamentations of an Egbere

The road’s prayer: A Nigerian road’s supplicative commentary on the Paternoster 

Every year, billions of money that the can break the jaw of a counter are allocated for my manicure and pedicure in the budget. Those monies are always too blind to locate me. The only place they know is the coffers of the same old corrupt politicians. The little that manages to locate me is usually shared with contractors who are always keen on having the lion’s share. Hence, my dreadful state!

From Our Allies

Nigeria: A satire | John Chizoba Vincent 

We are taking count of dead bodies in the streets. Those are the result of well-fed people. Those that saw a surplus of food and decided to kill themselves with it. Don’t mind them. Those dead bodies by our doorsteps are just fools who thought too much wine won’t harm them. The wine you brought for them to celebrate your already won 2019 election, they drank before the party started and killed themselves. Remember your Excellency that when a child that doesn’t know how to make money gets money from his father, he can’t control himself anymore.

Lamentations of an Egbere

Open letter: A courageous Almajiri queries President Buhari 

I am sure that you are aware that your state governors have found us a nuisance to be decisively dealt with. We have suddenly become unfit to remain in those states. Since cattle business no longer thrives at the moment, trailers used in conveying cattle are now being used to farm us out of the respective states. After all, we are regarded as being only a bit better than maalu.

The Inspector

How to die well in Nigeria 

To die well in Nigeria, you need to have lived an infamous life. And, to achieve this, first be a politician or hold a public office. Do not be a public or civil servant as the office may imply but endeavour to rule rather than serve. For rulership is for the strong, while service is for the weak and gullible. Make sure abuse sets in, trample on the poor, and lie to them.

From Our Allies

Eat the poor to save Nigeria: My political party manifesto | David Hundeyin 

In this party, we believe that it is time to stop pussyfooting and do the needful with full awareness and zero guilt. We have been feasting on the poor for decades, pretending to regard them as humans in equal stature to us while sticking forks into them. Today LCC presents another way of doing things – a way that is transparent, fair and forward-looking.

The T.A. Report

Nigerians on Twitter share their inspiring (and realistic) cash-saving experiences 

A group of hard-working and smart Nigerians have taken to Twitter to share their 100 per cent true stories of saving money from their little earnings. Hoping others, especially members of the Youth Wing of the Union of Lazy Nigerians, will learn from their experiences, they also disclosed the mind-blowing things they have invested the savings in, including building houses and hospitals.