… where sa-tyres never go flat
… where sa-tyres never go flat
I think MURIC (Muslim Rights Concern) has a point in saying Big Brother Naija should be banned. This is an issue of national emergency if you ask me. BBNaija is not only distracting us from tackling Fulani herdsmen and corruption in Nigeria; it also infringes on the religious right of some peace-loving Muslims.
In the last month, we have recorded enormous success, starting with Pastor Biodun stepping down from his position as Head of COZA. Nigerians took it from the streets of Social Media to the streets of Abuja, right in front of his church building, dragged not only the image of this “Man Of God” but also took it a step further by shaming his churchgoers as well since they must have had a hand in his promiscuity and alleged sexual predation. Shaming Sunday churchgoers was just the right thing to do. Anyway, Pastor Biodun stepped down. Nigerians won.
Lastly, Senator Ademola Adeleke — the legendary dancing senator — has lost his election petition case at the apex court. Too bad. In spite of the many shreds of evidence informing the court of the ruling party’s unwholesome activities in the Osun election, Adeleke lost. The presiding judge premised verdict on ‘legal technicality’, a term that has since thrown the literate and the unlettered among Nigerians into the puddle of befuddlement.
Start with the COZA thriller — the sub-plot of protest and counter-protest in Abuja. A group of ladies and men faithful to the randy daddy G.O, it was reported, had hit the COZA church to protest against the anti-rape protesters. Their argument? It is profane and blasphemous to drag the body of Krest…oh no, of Christ in the in petty and muddy allegation of rape. But while the Lord was busy attending celestial matters, the earthly foot soldiers had deemed it fit to come in defence of His anointed. ‘It is not the body of Christ we are dragging in the mud, it is a serial rapist we have come to drag to the prison,’ the other camp protested. Matter laid to rest.
She dares to let her plus-size double D boobs jiggle freely like a pendulum, knowing full well how much you can’t resist boobs. Even if she doesn’t know about your lust for the mammary glands, it doesn’t matter. What matters is she dares come into your apartment looking hotter than Kylie Jenner and Kim K. put together, making your soldier salute her. She dares combine red and white — odindi valentine colours. My friend, the experts said I should tell you that, if you forcefully have penetrative sexual activity with her, there and then, while she’s trying to quickly reply her WhatsApp texts, it’s called consented rape.
If you hold a position in government like being the President or the Governor, then know that you should give a speech on your hopes, plans, and aspiration for the country. Nigerians are waiting to see your face at a convention, parade, or something. Make sure you show up on TV and say something headline-worthy.
After four years, you’ll be left with our doses of curses and prayers. We’ll forget the roads you built. The two-room block of classrooms you commissioned, the borehole you drilled with a manual pump. But we’ll never forget how the economy went down and how we battled recession. How the megawatts of electricity never increased. How you canvassed our votes by promising us our rights and how you never did more than wear agbada and pass bills about increasing your salaries. And yes! We will not forget how you raise your two fingers and shout democracy o!
You are “in the abroad” and your views must be seen by these irrational colleagues you have left in the dark as the absolute and irrefutable truths. After all, their research is a mere survivalist response to a parlous postcolonial state you are so generous to theorize in your peer-reviewed essays. Yours is the finest example of scholarship and your prestigious location is the desired Mecca those at home dream only about.
In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat primates. Don’t get bogged down with precise descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read your book.
A bill for an Act to cater to the millions of traumatised victims of tardy Nigerian tailors, to establish a Tailor Crimes Commission, Tailors Victims Support Commission and the Tailors Victims Support fund, to criminalise and provide punishment for tardiness by tailors and other matters related thereto.
