By: Francis Olamide
1. Greetings from the brethren in your native country, Nigeria. Your well-meaning brothers here still think we’re giant of Africa, they say so after gulping few bottles of mediocrity; especially when their oppressors commission a borehole as a constituency project five streets before theirs. Brethren, we’re the GAUNT of Africa. I’m sorry for how the people of SA have treated you. If not that your country is booming, you won’t be in such mess.
2. We never saw this coming. You know this has never happened until days ago. No Nigerian has ever been beaten, molested or robbed in SA — this is the first time. That’s why we are slow at reacting. All those former news we heard of the inhumane acts towards you in SA is mere talk. It wasn’t real, that’s why it’s taken us so long.
3. In the last election, we warned your brothers here to choose competence over incompetence, but they preferred a saint in Buhari form; he was the new Angel Gabriel God sent to wash Nigeria free of corrupt people like he did in his first spells as a military dictator and civilian. I’m sure they’re very much happy with that decision especially how it has reduced the price of crude oil, foodstuffs, and cost of living. We have recently been sentenced to eating the best rice in Africa; you know those ones with plenty stones nah. Let’s leave food and talk about you.
4. I know you left Nigeria because the land was flowing with surplus milk, honey and seasoning; you had to export some of that enjoyment for SA people to enjoy with you. After all, there’s love in sharing. Taste and see that Nigeria is blossoming.
5. You forgot that stepping out of Nigeria carries a lot of benefits; like the way SA people are currently pampering you, swift intervention from your native country when you call them and how the FGN will deal with whoever disrespects you as a Nigerian.
6. Don’t panic, my brother. Aid is coming in the form of condolence visit; fortunately, the aid is coming so swiftly it’ll take two days before it will arrive. The government your brothers voted into power are very good at sympathizing with others. Over here, the ministry of condolence and sympathy is headed by no less than the VP. It costs so much to nip problems from the bud so it’s best to deal with them when they reach our doorstep.
7. In fact, Nigerians didn’t have to talk much before Baba took action by sending a delegate to SA. I believe those delegates will pay your hospital bills, raise the dead victims and compensate for your losses, isn’t it?
8. Guess what? Your fellow brothers have been reacting here; they want to close down all South Africa owned businesses — from Shoprite to MTN; Multichoice to Stanbic; Spar to other companies owned by SA people.
9. I tried to warn them of the consequences. Where will Nigerians watch their favourite EPL games? On NTA ch. 10 blurry transmission abi? Where will they see BB9ja? African magic? The Foreign Affairs ministry carries a lot of power that their bargaining power in the international community has reduced, overpower deh worry them. I told your brothers that peacefully loot various Shoprite outlets that SA has everything to lose since our surplus manufacturing industry has made SA depend so much on us.
10. Let me stop here. The entire synagogue of Nigerians greets you. Till the condolence train of the FG arrives, stay safe.