Guest writer

In his 1983 essay The Trouble With Nigeria, the traitor Chinua Achebe mischievously identified Nigeria’s problem to be, as he put it, “simply and squarely a failure of leadership.” Nothing, I assure you, could be farther from the truth.

Never, I repeat, never should you act because actions come naturally to you. Never should you count hanging your hands like you have a bag strapped on it as a reflex. Never should you swing your arms or snap your fingers when you talk (even though it’s ingrained in you and you can’t help it). Let’s not even go near the bizarre act of batting your eyelids. Don’t be dumb.

Break-ups can be harsh, painful and can make life suck a whole lot. Yet, people don’t talk about how hard it is for heterosexual men to deal with heartbreaks. Here is the talk: Heterosexual men, you don’t have to wallow in misery. Recovery is a shining sun; all you have to do is pull the curtains.

Amidst the gathering political storm towards the 2023 general elections, a presidential aspirant whose name I shall not reveal for fear of elimination has visited the president of this country to receive his blessing and sail ahead in his ambition.

Have you said a new year testimony in your church yet? If no is the answer, then you aren’t doing well at all. You are making it look as though the God of your church is not good enough to be testified of. I therefore implore you to do so as quick as possible as I’ll be writing for you a close to perfect guideline. You should testify.

There are several ways that a man can prove himself useless. He can love Nicki Minaj, think pink is cute, enjoy k-drama, love cooking or (this disgusts me to even mention) be capable of tears. God forbid that you ever get entangled with a man who is capable of tears. The men in the above list are useless but the most useless of them all should be a man with female children. Weak men with weak spermicide who marry women with weak eggs to birth a weak shame. Tueh! I spit on them.

I have never been as proud of my country as I am these days. This country just makes my heart puff with pride every bloody time. You know, when religious people say, “actions are judged according to intentions,” I did not know it affected the judicial system too.

I am a 27-year-old businessman with a total net worth the average yahoo boy would blow without flinching, yet I believe I can hit the $1trillion mark before Elon Musk. You can call it wishful thinking but I call it Thinking Big — exactly what Governor Obiano should be doing with his political career.

You don’t smoke. You don’t talk dirty. You no dey follow yansh. You no dey tear ticket – no, reason am. Na life be this? You see it too, you know it. You are a pretender.

It’s been one year and one month since your last public rebuttal of the fabricated reportage of the October 20 2020 shooting at the Lekki toll-gate. And you were right, my dear countryman. No one was killed on that colourful night.