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Once upon a (great) country

Once upon a (great) country

By: Adebayo AbdulRahman Adedayo

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, a time when youths were lazy and thieves were not corrupt, there was a country. This country was so wealthy it was named the global headquarters of poor — no, rich — people.

During this period the people were satisfied with the serene environment that nation harboured to the extent they felt at ease when it was thought that things had fallen apart. They were largely satisfied with the turn of events.

For example, during this period, the governor of one of the thirty-something states ordered the stop of a road project because the N7 billion initially earmarked for it was too much. So he went to the drawing board and held series of serious meetings with the best brains in his government. After a few seconds, minute minutes, notable hours and several months he reached a new decision and re-awarded the project for little over N9 billion — a smaller amount.

In another state, the governor reiterated that the king’s welfare is more paramount than the workers’ survival because who are the workers without their king. So he went on to buy a Rolls Royce with a few billions of Naira for the king of one village without paying salaries. Of course, the workers did not move a finger in protest since they understood the importance of a new car purchase for the king, whose old cars were unbefitting of his status in the league of powerful kings.

You remember that saying “one good turn deserves another”? That was how the people of one northern state demonstrated the importance of bribery in nation-building. They re-elected a man caught on camera receiving billions of gan-dollar just to inform other politicians that bribery is an essential tool for ensuring the money in the state coffers are emptied appropriately.

The peaceful terrain of this nation was a force to reckon with because no sort of financial irresponsibility or ethical immorality was accommodated to the extent that a man was arrested and detained for embezzling his own money and abusing Mr President — yes, Mr President! — an internationally renowned medical tourist who placed a travel restriction on members of his cabinet just to ensure he retained his crown as the most travelled Nigerian political office holder for the fifth consecutive year.

The only group of small boys trying to disturb the peace of the land by killing few people once in a while were called Boko Haram and, luckily for the people of the country, it didn’t take long before the armed forces technically defeated them. Even though some people complain that these small boys still kill people once in a while and detonate small bombs at will, it didn’t matter because all the army need do is to also defeat them culturally, physically, psychologically and spiritually.

Speaking of spirituality, the country is doing so well already in this area, so victory in that regard is already a work in progress.

The level of morality in this country was so high that universities suspended small boys for being too small, and big boys for writing poor letters or having no beards.

Even though this country was so developed that it was ranked in the top 200 most developed countries in the world, the comptroller-general of its customs service claimed that the closure of the border in less than six months would make the country as great as China because all China did to become the number one economy in the world was to close its border.

All these were events and occurrences that characterised a great nation with no bad roads a very long time ago.

Thankfully, I did not witness that period because I was still unborn. If I did, I would do nothing but leave that country and travel to … nowhere … because that time is now and here I am somewhere in Nigeria writing a detailed account of the great things that happened in Nigeria a very long time ago.

Did I say a long time ago? Sorry. Actually, that time is now.

Watch Adebayo read a previous version of this article here (at the World Satire Day event):

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