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The T.A. Report

Weight loss now requirement for promotion of civil servants, says FG

Weight loss now requirement for promotion of civil servants, says FG

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― To move from one grade level to the next, Nigerian civil servants will now have to provide proof of weight loss among other documents, according to a new circular.

The circular, with reference number, HCSF/911/KG/P/1, was released on Tuesday and signed by Mrs. Winifred E. Oyo-Ita, the country’s Head of Civil Service.

It cited scientific studies conducted by the ministry of health as basis for the new provision and said employees of the federal government who are unable to meet up may face severe consequences.

“Research commissioned by the government has shown there is a direct correlation between weight loss and productivity, and the former is in fact the most reliable measure of the latter,” the document stated.

“Henceforth,” it added, “it is therefore compulsory, in the overall interest of the country, for civil servants to submit evidence of significant weight loss alongside other credentials as prerequisite for consideration for promotion.”

“Workers who are found wanting and are unable to establish hard work through body weight loss will be withdrawn from service after five years of such default.”

The circular further stated that new civil servants will be required to declare their body weight, using test results obtained from public health centres, while filling assets declaration forms.

“This is to keep track of how much dedication they put into their work from year to year,” it explained.

Workers, sources at the ministry of labour and employment told our reporter, may also soon be compelled to submit documents showing how many days off work they spent overseas as well as church/mosque attendance registers.

“The administration wants to make sure civil servants are taking time out to freshen up and to pray for the country,” an aide to the minister disclosed. “You see, especially now that the minimum wage has been increased, it is important we get value for every penny spent.”

This development is coming shortly after President Muhammadu Buhari praised the Inspector-General of Police for how he has tackled the insecurity in the country, as obvious from his loss of weight.

“I have just seen the IGP, he is losing weight so I think he is working hard,” the president, who had just returned from a 10-day private trip to the UK, said to NTA. His wide grin seemed to suggest he could not understand what everybody was complaining so much about.

Reports reaching the T.A. Report indicate that gyms across the country are witnessing an unprecedented surge in active members since the new circular affecting civil servants was made public.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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