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The T.A. Report

Nigeria’s potholes experience calculated massacre as election season approaches

Nigeria’s potholes experience calculated massacre as election season approaches

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― In what has been fondly described as an ‘electoral miracle’, potholes in Nigeria have recently been observed to decline massively as citizens ready themselves for the poll this weekend.

According to a recent report made available to the public by the Federal Roads Maintenance Agency, there has been a sharp spike not just in road repair and construction all over the country, but in infrastructural works generally.

In a phone interview with this online paper, the agency’s Managing Director, Engr. Nurudeen Abdurahaman Rafindadi, described this occurrence as “strange but not totally unexpected”. He explained that, every four years, some weeks to the election period, it is usually rainy season for contractors and officials of works ministries in most states of the country.

“On a light note,” he added, “we should even amend the constitution so that elections are conducted every year. That way, we can be sure government will always pay contractors and be on their necks to make certain they deliver.”

Haleem Olorunnisola, founder and national coordinator of the E Go Better Movement, has however tagged the occurrence as “largely fraudulent and illusory”.

“Nigerians should not be fooled by the sight of heavy machinery on their roads and the superficial revisiting of abandoned projects across the country,” said Olorunnisola, who prides himself as having a PhD in Bullshitronomy.

He added: “Though it is true that some projects will get completed and some will be started, we will no doubt return to the status quo a day after election. It is the unwritten law of Politics Nigeriana.

“We should also be mindful of the damage this kind of attitude may cause to our roads and public welfare, as governments most times only succeed in leaving them worse than they found them.

“Besides, it is not all governments that are truly working. Some cough out money they’ve been claiming does not exist to make it happen. Some borrow money from banks. But we have also heard of state governors who simply rent the equipment for public display, only to be returned to the owners after the elections. Others even make use of dead transformers installed in strategic places just to lure people into thinking they are working.”

Though the rising level of infrastructural development or seeming development is a national phenomenon, The T.A. Report gathers that Lagos State is an exception. It is reported that capital-intensive projects in the Centre of Excellence currently suffer unusual neglect as the governor, Akinwunmi Ambode, has abandoned office for a more pragmatic role of “APC campaign rally strategist and bench-warmer”.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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