ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Alternate reports reaching us say Abba Kyari has finally re-appointed himself as the federal government’s Chief of Staff.

In a letter of notification to presidential spokesman Garba Shehu on Friday, he directed that the announcement be made of his decision.

“Don’t say anything yet about ministerial appointments,” Kyari had instructed. “We have not made up our minds, and are making sure the embarrassing mistake of appointing dead people doesn’t re-occur.”

The T.A. Report gathered from somewhat reliable sources that President Muhammadu Buhari wasn’t even aware of the release until much later into the night when the first lady, Aisha, nagged about it.

It will be recalled that Shehu has always been at the forefront in Kyari’s line of defence as he releases press statements to clear the latter’s name each time there’s a scandal involving him.

Reacting to the development, Amos Bantu, president of the Democracy for All Project (DAP), said he has lost hope in the clear-headedness of Muhammadu Buhari and his ability to lead independent of questionable influences.

“It is clear Kyari is not only the chief of Buhari’s staff, he also has him by the balls,” Bantu said.

“If anyone knows how I can get one or two of Diezani’s rings, please help me. I need to flee this country ASAP,” he added jokingly.

Kyari has been described fondly in many quarters. In relation to Buhari, some have called him Nigeria’s Grand Ayatolla and Supreme Leader while Buhari is the president. Some say he is the remote control while Buhari is the television.

But whatever it is you call the man, it is obvious the steering wheels of the administration’s Next Level bus are firmly in his grip, and the other man is just a loud-voiced conductor giving instructions about change.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.