Guest writer

I started out dumb and idealistic but that anomaly has since been rectified. Here are a few useful tips on how to be an undergraduate in Nigeria.

I know you’ve been made to believe that poetry is difficult blah blah blah. All those literature students mumbling about iambs and sonnets, calling big words to make you think you can’t understand or write good poetry. All lies! I’m here to debunk all that myth. Just adhere to my steps and you will see how great a poet you become.

The hall-mark of evolving adulthood is discarding household chores, like doing the dishes. It is below your new grade, and it has to stop. What if you were not given birth to? Na why you have siblings to do the work na. You are no longer the housemaid they think you are. They should suck it up.

With the situation of things in Nigeria, you do not need an eyewear to see that tins tuff. Getting by is no beans for average Naija youth, so everyone is into one business or another. For people of my generation, we call them ‘online vendor’, ‘CEO’. And, for every other youth like me with a Nigerian’s survival instinct, we refer to it as ‘side hustle’ (e go pay o!). So here are few tips to make your ‘hustle’ pay and make mama proud.

Fellow Nigerian students, as soon as you read this, it is not too late to consider a career path that does not require a university degree. You may decide to venture into the “crowd-pleaser” business, either as a motivational speaker, a pastor, or an entertainer. I hear these people are racking in millions of naira with each cheers and each Amens.

It was amidst the intense politicking for the governorship ticket of a major party in a south western state that an aspirant barged into my quiet suburb within the state. Flustered and embittered, he began a tirade, wailing against what he called the “nairanization” of our political system. This suave and urbane millennial had recently relocated from the Ottawa, Canada to “salvage his native state from the doldrums.”

There was a time when you were a big deal that even the US Dollars had nothing on you. Naira, you had a good thing going, kai! I mean, apart from the fact that you are sprayed in the air like insecticide by the same persons who enacted laws prohibiting anyone from doing same (how else do you expect them to show the world that they have arrived, eh?).

If you send a Nigerian witch a romantic message or poem, do not assume she has read it. Even if she has, she will pretend she hasn’t because such gestures don’t impress her. Same applies to dinner dates and flowers. The only romantic gesture you can offer that she will enjoy is when you go bankrupt in your attempt to make her feel good. Anything other than this and you are merely wasting your time.

As a lifelong member of the coven and after several postponements (of course), I have taken the pains and pleasure of compiling the beauty of the ways of the last minute people for the sheer purpose of sensitisation (these folks need to be educated). Nooo, I do not need to be praised. If I do not do it, who will? Others would procrastinate away, any way.

Your stories like the weather keep changing. The next day, you will narrowly miss the person you came all the way to see on the Island and you will need just some little change to get back home. The day after, your car will develop a slight fault down the road and you had left your ATM card at home…