By: Chuks .Chinyere(jj)


What’s funny is how the death of one man can mean so much and how nobody is talking about the other guy: the Iraqi militia leader who was killed alongside “you know who”. If I get a dollar for each time I’ve heard the name, Qasem Soleimani, in the last few days, I’ll have enough money to establish myself very well in the crude oil business, which has become extra lucrative in recent times, thanks to the death of one man.

Say what you want about how wrong Trump was for ordering Qasem’s assassination, you can say some more about how he overstepped his boundaries and was selfish in his decision, I’ll not argue with you based on the singular fact that you are entitled to your opinion — no matter how shortsighted it might be. 

However brethren, I dare say, Trump’s decision to kill Qasem Soleimani because they “have intelligence report that General Qasem was planning a bad bad bad thing” is a dumb and stupid excuse to justify such a selfless decision. Mans like Qasem is always planning something bad. General Soleimani’s womb escape was “something bad” enough that deserves some sort of assassination, yet past Presidents have kept him alive. Trump will not have it. Trump trumps different.

I see how the White House, from the Secretary of States to the Defense Secretary, is trying so hard, interview after interview, to justify the assault on Iraq’s sovereignty and the assassination of Soleimani. It’s pitiful how much of a terrible job they are doing. For the first time since Trump became POTUS, this is the most selfless decision he has made, causing such a surge in oil prices, leaving every member of OPEC pleased and richer than the night before. This is an angle the White House should explore in defending the president’s action.

It’s true that everything Trump had done since the day he assumed office, every single decision, had him in the forefront as beneficiary number one. But this assassination, eh, is one philanthropic move, if not for anything, at least for how it has affected Buhari’s travel budget and the world market. Trump is such a benevolent man, doing everyone favours they didn’t ask for; we should all be great-fool.

For the first time since September, oil prices hit a new high of $70 per barrel, a massive 4 per cent leap; something that had Buhari and the cabal smiling to the bank like a Yahoo boy who has just cashed out. It’s true that, as I type this, the price has fallen back a bit to $68 per barrel, but this is still pretty high compared to when Qasem Soleimani was roaming earth’s surface freely. 

These high prices are falling-falling because Iran has failed us, Iran has failed to match action with all that plenty talk. Dear Iran, we need you to burst a move, an actual move. We need you to back up all that talk with some action, some real action, not targeting a US base with missiles no better than three sound knockouts. 

This is 2020, a year of no more “1000 yarns zero action”, do something for the love of high prices goddammit! You have done it before, like when you bombarded that Saudi Arabia Oil processing plant, remember? It helped increase oil prices and our cabal cashed out. I know it’s selfish and insensitive of me, but do it for boys.

Don’t just do something that will affect oil prices alone o, think outside the box. we need Bitcoin prices to go up too, we don’t care how many lives it might cost, American, Iraqi or Iranian, all we want is that shmoney. Trump has done his bit, such a genius of a man he even affected Gold prices with one singular action and he has promised to do more even; does “52” ring a bell? 

See eh Iran, leave all that opata yarns; we need more than placing an $80 million bounty on the head of the most protected man in the modern world, you got to do more bro, unless you’re making all these noise just to cash out heavy new negotiations on an improved nuclear deal.

Dear investor, for the last four years I have been chasing you all over Lagos with PowerPoint slides of one “lucrative” business idea after another, all to no avail. Now, however, is your time. You have to believe me when I say moving all your money into the oil business will be the best thing you can do with all that ill-gotten wealth.

Uncle Dangote has moved with foresight, you got to follow (his) suit. Experts predict that oil prices are looking to go as high as $160 per barrel should this Iran-US conflict escalate into a full-blown war in the Middle East. Isn’t that just terrific news? Don’t worry about the kids that will die, that’s on the US for refusing to evacuate Iraq’s property.

Did I hear you say Congress will not allow Trump go to war? Leemao! Congress that is still finding it hard to catch up with the modern use of Twitter for important presidential media reports and briefings? While they’ll be busy awaiting official communications from the White House on the President’s decision to go to war with Iran and its allies, @realDonaldTrump will be dishing out battle formations on Twitter. 
Aunty Nancy really needs to get updated, she’s dealing with a 21st century virtual POTUS; someone should tell her this.


Chuks .Chinyere(jj) is not just a satirist and humorist, he’s an all-round writer, copywriter, and advertorial content creator. He is a speechwriter and could be a ghostwriter when you need him to be. His writing services are accessible and affordable; you should reach him via e-mail at chukschinyere@gmail.com for all your writing needs.

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