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The T.A. Report

With N41k jersey, Nigeria’s world cup victory is guaranteed — Sports Minister

With N41k jersey, Nigeria’s world cup victory is guaranteed — Sports Minister

ABUJA (The T.A. Report)―Nigeria’s sports minister Solomon Dalung has said the country’s unique jersey at the world cup is key to her guaranteed victory.

Dalung, who was declared persona non grata by the Plateau state government in April, said this while addressing newsmen on Monday at a press briefing organised by the Federal Ministry of Youth and Sports.

He assured Nigerians the ministry, in conjunction with the Nigeria Football Federation (NFF), is doing all it can to push the nation’s soccer team to the world cup finals, and ultimately to victory.

“We are bringing the cup home,” he said confidently. “Though we have spent close to 90% of our budget for the competition to pay for the jersey design and production, it is worth every penny because that is all we need to win anyway.”

“We are the super eagles. We all know the eagle cannot soar without its mighty feathers. That is exactly what the jersey will do. Dazzle our opponents, charm the referee, and allow us fly effortlessly to victory. Rest assured that with the N41000 jersey, which don’t forget has been adjudged world-favourite, our win is guaranteed.”

Asked why the country has only won one out of five friendly matches played so far and why the team has seemed disorganised during play, he explained that all this has been deliberate.

“It is all part of our strategy,” he said in a whisper. “It is top secret.”

He continued: “I cannot reveal all the intricacies because we paid a lot of money to Israeli experts to draft it for us. But I will say this: the team is achieving two things with those perceived losses, one is conserving energy for the big games and two is affording an element of surprise card later on.”

“Looking disorganised is all part of the plan too,” he added, with a smirk. “Why do you think we have numerous black zigzags on our jersey? It is so to make our unlucky opponents dizzy during the games. You see, we intend to prove to the world that playing without a straightforward plan or method can as well be a genius plan in itself.”

The sports minister, it will be recalled, once triggered widespread criticism when he suggested that preparation is not required to excel in sports, but “a winning penalty”.

“The disabled athletes have shown that all you need is a winning penalty and not too much preparation, they trained under the same condition with their able-bodied counterparts but they are winning medals now,” he had remarked.

He also once said “nobody even knew the team [Super Falcons] would emerge victorious” at the African Women’s Nations Cup tournament, and that was why they were not paid their bonuses and allowances.




Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … But, on second thought, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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