… where sa-tyres never go flat

The T.A. Report

We want our own constituency at NASS — internet users tell INEC

We want our own constituency at NASS — internet users tell INEC

TELEGRAM (The T.A. Report) ― Protesting against what they call “prolonged and under-reported marginalisation”, Nigeria’s internet users have urged the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) and Federal Government to include social media constituencies at the Senate and House of Representatives.

This appeal was made public shortly after the Annual General Meeting of the Social Media Influencers and Influencees of Nigeria (SMIIN) held on Saturday on Telegram.

“We are tired of this marginalisation,” Paul Ezeudoh, @TweetOracle, who is the association’s president, told our reporter. “It has been going on for too long, and we have no choice now but to speak out.”

“The presidential election held last Saturday has shown that the Nigerian government is bent on disenfranchising the large internet community in this country,” he continued.

“INEC should know we have special needs. Not only were we not allowed to vote, we also do not have representatives at the National Assembly to champion our interests and give us constituency projects. We have been tactically abandoned.”

Asked why SMIIN’s members did not simply go out to vote, @TweetOracle replied that the world has moved past elections revolving around ballot papers.

“C’mon,” he said, expressing both surprise and derision at the enquiry, “this is the 21st-goddamn-century. Everything has moved to the internet now.

“Already, we can buy food on the internet, go to school on the internet, get married via the internet, even have sex through the internet… Why in the world shouldn’t we be able to vote on the internet? Our members are 24/7 netizens. We really do not have time for unnecessary physical activities.”

Tunde Ednut, breadwinner of the Shade Room of Africa who is one of SMIIN’s top executives, told The T.A. Report that is an embarrassment for members of the internet community to not have their online polls reflect in the nationwide votes.

“We are Nigerians too, you know. It still baffles us how Omoyele Sowore, Kingsley Moghalu and Fela Durotoye got more votes on Twitter alone than in the whole of the country. It just shows that we are an entirely different state, with different political leanings,” said Ednut, who collapsed last year due to sleeplessness and constant browsing.

“This is why we are calling on the Federal Government. Even if we won’t be given digital Permanent Voters’ Cards and allowed to participate in the polls online with our own Resident Electoral Commissioner, at least they should give us seats at the National Assembly.”

Given the results of various polls conducted on the internet in the buildup to the general elections, many Nigerians had expected Sowore, Moghalu, or Atiku Abubalar to be declared winner. A new study has, however, revealed that social media has not fully penetrated the Northern region, especially the 3 K’s of Kano, Kaduna, and Katsina. The study also found that internet users in the South are 72 percent more likely to spend their day trolling, mailing subs, or watching Game of Thrones, than voting for their preferred candidates.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

0 0 votes
Article Rating

Share this post

I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

Wanna leave a reply?

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x