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The T.A. Report

We have two and a half, not three, arms of government—Nigeria’s AGF clarifies

We have two and a half, not three, arms of government—Nigeria’s AGF clarifies

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ―  Nigeria’s Attorney General and Minister of Justice, Abubakar Malami, has shed light on the true nature of the country’s political system and structure of government.

During a meeting with journalists in Abuja on Tuesday, he explained that Nigeria runs two and a half arms of government, not three as is commonly alleged. This clarification, he added, “is necessary in the light of recent agitations about reforms taking place in the judiciary”.

“The attention of the Ministry of Justice has been drawn to unfounded claims circulated in the media and on the internet about the rule of law and the independence of the judiciary,” the Minister said.

“We wish to urge the good people of Nigeria to discard these claims as they are nothing but fake news from the pits of hell, fabricated to dent the image of this administration.

“If you carefully trace the legal history of this country, you will realise that the judiciary is not an entire arm of government. At best, we can say it constitutes half of an arm. You will agree that even human beings cannot function well if they have three fully grown arms.”

When a journalist from Sub-Saharan Reporters quoted provisions of sections 6 and 17 of the 1999 Constitution in substantiating the independence and powers of the judiciary, Malami replied that the law has not been signed by the president.

“I am sorry but the administration does not recognise this law you speak of,” said the minister who, reports say, graduated from the Ugandan Law School before proceeding to Nigeria to practise.

“Any law that is in force has to first be reviewed and signed by the president. That’s how it works; and the National Assembly has yet to transmit this so-called 1999 Constitution. For now, Mr President is applying the set of laws he used as head of state in the 1980s, at least pending the time the lawmakers send an update,” he added.

“As important as it is, even the Disability Rights Bill was just signed last week. We cannot jump these procedures.”

Walter Onnoghen was removed as the Chief Justice of Nigeria on Friday. Justifying this act in a speech delivered at the swearing-in of the Acting CJN, President Muhammadu Buhari accused Onnoghen of supervising the acquittal of corrupt public officials arraigned before the Supreme Court.

Critics say it appears the president might have mistaken the Supreme Court for a department under the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … But, on second thought, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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[…] of all, it’s already established that, contrary to popular opinion, the judiciary is in fact not even up to one arm of government in […]

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