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The T.A. Report

“We are not smart enough to decide for you” – Council of Student Stakeholders

6 April 2017

The Council of Student Stakeholders, the student version of SSANU (Senior Staff Association of Nigerian Universities), has come out with a message for the general student community. According to a brief press release made available to The T.A. Report on 6 April 2017, the Council admitted fallibility in its decisions, especially when it comes to endorsement of candidates.

The release further stated that voters should rather depend on the agendas and performances of candidates during the press and manifesto nights in deciding who to vote for.

Commenting on the release, OBJ, one of the aspirants for Students’ Union Presidency, said it is a welcome development.

“It is time Uites started seeing these endorsements for what they really are – political chauvinism and prostitution. For me, I think they are just a way of sustaining relevance and feeding the ego of the so-called stakeholders. It is good that the Council has come out to clear its intentions,” he said.

The full release, signed by the Council President, Mr Alabi Yusuf Teejay, and Secretary, Mr Shegz the Captain, reads thus:

We have been reliably informed that some Uites are planning to vote in the forthcoming Students’ Union elections based only on the endorsement of the stakeholders in their halls or faculties. We are not only perplexed to hear this, we unanimously also consider it laughable.

Our decisions are in no way meant to influence the electoral decisions of the electorate because we are not smart enough to decide for you. We are, after all, all intellectuals. The manifestoes, campaigns, and nights [i.e. press night and manifesto night] are there to guide everyone.

We only endorse candidates really because we have nothing else to do. And, as stakeholders, we have to declare support for likely winners of the election in order to remain relevant and indispensable.

Presently, the Council is not recognised by the Student Handbook and the Students’ Union Constitution. But our administration is working fervently towards passing a bill to the S.R.C. to remedy the situation. Through this, we believe our legislators can legitimise and propose statutory duties for the council. This way, we will have other things to keep us busy, while not having to bother about endorsements.

We thank all Uites for their understanding and continued support.


Caveat: This piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of any person’s credulity or mischief. Please, do not take us serious. Yet again, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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