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The T.A. Report

Delayed childbirth: Nigeria’s celebrity baby, Vision 2020, ‘not fully formed yet’

Delayed childbirth: Nigeria’s celebrity baby, Vision 2020, ‘not fully formed yet’

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― The arrival of Nigeria’s long-expected child, Vision 2020, may in fact not take place this year, according to experts. This they say is because, despite fervent prayers and predictions, the foetus has not fully formed yet and is not ready for delivery.

Commenting on the problem during an interview with the T.A. Report on Wednesday, senior political gynaecologist Dr Shina Williams-Marley said the development did not come as a surprise to him.

“As you know, Vision 2020 was conceived nearly 11 years ago and this is more than enough time for a normal, medium-sized baby to become mature,” he said as he adjusted his perfectly round eyeglasses.

“But Nigeria is a terrible mother. Our studies show that she has not been feeding herself a balanced diet and taking necessary supplements. She is also an unrepentant alcoholic and drug addict, and all these have caused the unborn child to shrink rather than gain needed weight.

“Some of my colleagues even say she might have forgotten she has a baby kicking in her womb.”

Another reason for the lack of care shown to Vision 2020, Williams-Marley explained, that is that the child belongs to Umaru Musa Yar’adua, Nigeria’s former husband who is now late. Goodluck Jonathan, Yar’adua’s successor, and Muhammadu Buhari, her current husband, have all but disowned the poor kid.

This is not the first time Nigeria has suffered such a fate. Ten years ago, back when she was still pregnant with Vision 2010, she infamously had a terrible miscarriage.

The family’s spokesperson, Garuba Chewer, has said they are considering renaming Nigeria’s child to Vision 2030 or “we may have to start all over again”.

“Think about it,” he said excitedly as someone who has just discovered the Theory of Everything. “We chose 20: 2020 not only because we wanted our child to be one of the 20 biggest in the world but because the numbers also rhyme. All we have to do now is settle for 10: 2030 which, you have to agree, is another beautiful combination.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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