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The T.A. Report

United Kingdom, Brazil offer to treat IGP Idris ‘free of charge’

United Kingdom, Brazil offer to treat IGP Idris ‘free of charge’

ABUJA (The T.A. Report)―The United Kingdom and Brazil have on Saturday offered to assist in getting Inspector General of Police Ibrahim Idris treated free of charge.

Their representatives in Nigeria made these statements during a state banquet held at the presidential villa, Abuja, and organised by the office of the president. The banquet is held every year to reinforce Nigeria’s relations with foreign countries and ensure an increased inflow of foreign investments.

Paul Thomas Arkwright, the British High Commissioner to Nigeria, said the United Kingdom is willing to offer free medical services to the IGP in order to save the country “from future embarrassments”.

“Immediately I saw that video, I placed a call to the British foreign affairs ministry,” he said. “And we have agreed to come in if permitted.”

“Though the IGP has said the video was doctored, we all know the only person who should be seeing a doctor is the IGP himself. Our best hands in the UK have conducted preliminary studies and are ready to take up this case free of charge, in the best interest of everyone.

“For us, this is a way of saying thank you for the years of patronage our health sector has enjoyed from the Nigerian ruling class, not excluding Mr President himself.”

Also present at the meeting was Maria Auxiliadora Figueiredo, ambassador of Brazil to Nigeria, who said her country is ready to bring its greatest experts in native medicine to Nigeria for an intensive therapeutic session with the IGP.

“High-ranking officers, we hear, have suggested spiritual forces to be at play here, and I find merit in this,” she noted. “We wish to commit to employing our best native doctors to conduct a thorough check-up for the police boss. This is a matter of national security, and must not be handled with levity.”

Arkwright also used to occasion to apologise to President Muhammadu Buhari for what he described as an oversight on the part of the British royal family in failing to invite him to the wedding between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

“We understand that this event is taking place with the president here personally because he was not invited for the Royal Wedding, and we apologise for this oversight,” he said.

“I suppose the royal family thought, given his many visits in recent time, His Excellency must have grown tired of seeing England already,” he added as he let out a giggle.




Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … But, on second thought, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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