Once, I asked my grandpa (who is Aristotle, by the way) why people in abusive relationships and marriages never run out of it, or do not do so on time, and my grandfather (Aristotle) said, ‘love is something that can take your sense for vanishing, and eventually, only those who seek, see, and those who see, do not seek to enlighten the others.’ Confused, I asked him to contextualize it, and he told me the story of Nigeria.
It was the year 2019, and Twitter was the rave of the world. Nigeria is an organism of many faces, and many genders. In spite of Nigeria’s many faces, it fell in love irresistibly, unequivocally, and unstoppably with Twitter. It was like getting into quicksand; Nigeria sunk deeper whenever it tried to wrestle free.
Twitter was a darling. Twitter loved Nigeria back. It housed Nigeria’s tantrums (protests and revolutions). It was the home of social commentaries, and gave jobs to Nigeria. Without asking, Nigeria moved in with twitter, slept with twitter, and couldn’t stop itself from its drug-like addiction for twitter. According to basedonlogeestiks.com Nigeria loved twitter with its North, East, West, South, and even wore branded bikinis like #ArewaTwitter #YorubaTwitter #IgboTwitter #EdoTwitter, just so this love could fly. Thisfactisright.com also reported an exuberant level of youthfulness in Nigeria’s love affair. But who cares? Love na love.
Twitter worried for Nigeria, but also enjoyed the attention. Twitter wore shirts like #LazyNigerianYouths #EndSARS #RevolutionNow, to show Nigeria that it was worried for Nigeria’s life and focus, and that it needed to take charge, but Nigeria was head over heels. As twitter struggled to help Nigeria find itself, the centre gave away with the introduction of Twitter’s side chick called Giveaway.
Giveaway was liberal, non-conforming, adventurous, and highly addictive. Giveaway was the stuff parents warned their children about, but the children couldn’t stay away from. Giveaway, although being Twitter’s side chic, was so full of fun and life that Nigeria engaged in coital threesome without thinking. Every time someone did something incredibly dangerous, harmful, obnoxious, or stupid, giveaway was introduced, and the offense is soon forgotten. It was even rumoured that one of Nigeria’s faces, a musical artist, cheated on Twitter with Instagram, and came on twitter to mock Nigeria with giveaway. Because giveaway was super sexy, and because Instagram was filled with shots of Twitter (telmabout obsessive behaviour), Nigeria forgot quickly about that one face that wanted to break its relationship with Twitter and Giveaway.
Giveaway became so powerful that Twitter almost changed its name to giveaway. Nigeria on its part was looking for giveaway every day. When Nigeria woke up in the morning, it went to Twitter’s house in search of giveaway. While Nigeria prepared for work, giveaway was on its mind. Nigeria cared less how much it was losing in investments. Nigeria bothered itself not with its erratic attention span and focus. Why focus on working, on development, on building your house, when twitter and giveaway gave you the best fuck of your life?
Slowly, Nigeria began to run mad. When Nigeria walked on the road, it used Twitter and Giveaway bedroom words like ‘BRB, GTG, SMH, LMAO, YDKWGO, Giveaway, Money, Epp me’. Nigeria, Twitter, and Giveaway’s relationship was studied by different Universities across the world. Sabi Boy University, Federal Republic of Jara e, released a research in 2023 that connected Nigeria’s lack of productivity to its love affair with Twitter and Giveaway. The research said “Nigeria has fallen so much in love that it could no longer live outside of Twitter and Giveaway, and this has reduced Nigeria’s productivity by a whopping 700%”. When Nigeria was asked to comment it refused, but was seen the next dear wearing a sexy bikini branded with #HatersGonHate.
What Nigeria did not know was that Twitter fed on this love and replenished. Twitter had so many powerful concubines that even banned Nigeria from visiting them because of its behaviour in Twitter’s house. Twitter commoditized Nigeria, used its addiction to set up many investments, and even sold personal information between Nigeria and Twitter to other concubines. Nigeria did not make regulations, or set up restrictions between it and twitter, because love. And twitter fed on this opportunity. By the year 2030, Nigeria had become so insignificant in economic potential, and had no secrets for Twitter to sell, and giveaway had moved from instant gratification in terms of cash transfers to cryptocurrency, and Nigeria didn’t know how to wait for long before achieving orgasm, so it got tired of twitter and giveaway too. But it was too late.
Twitter bought a flat for the now homeless Nigeria with the name Nigerian Twitter, and prevented it from meeting American Twitter, or the other twitter chics Twitter had. Nigeria tried to pretend vex one time and told Twitter dey your dey, make I dey my dey, and that was the clue Twitter needed. Twitter abandoned the desolate Nigeria and never turned back.
“You see grandchild”, Aristotle said, “bad things happen during good times and good things happen during bad times so fast that it becomes difficult to separate pain from pleasure, love from destruction, and romance from abuse.”