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Exclusive: The true story of how greedy capitalists killed Jesus because “he was bad for business”

Exclusive: The true story of how greedy capitalists killed Jesus because “he was bad for business”

The King of the Jews  —who predicted his own death, anyway— was nailed through a conspiracy started by greedy Jerusalem capitalists and powerbrokers, because he wanted to control their avarice for wealth and power.  

Pontius Teenubew’s small frame competes with the dust he is gathering as he completes his passionate address to the Council of the Rich, “I can’t sell wine easily, because nobody wants my wine when Jesus can turn water to wine. Mazi Jonathan can’t sell his fishes, because this Jesus can multiply them. Look at Healer Adamu, nobody wants to see him when they can wait for Jesus. If we don’t end Jesus now, he will end us!!!”

Teenubew’s voice echoes across the room and Prius Fashowlah, the most renowned carpenter in Jerusalem, collects the gathering silence and returns a voice to the Council, “How will anybody patronise me when this small boy’s father is in the same business? They want to be good in his book. Even Aeesh went to Joseph’s workshop to make a sofa that she did not need. What kind of–”

“Ze you want to address ze issue at hand or you want to fight me?” Moh Bwari, a military General with a history of cruelty, said from across the room. “I will deal with Aeesh when I return home, let us pocus on ze issue at hand.”

“He called himself King of the Jews, that’s treason isn’t it?” Shanwoh Loohoo asks. Loohoo is Pontius Teenubew’s wine apprentice who became Teenubew’s favourite after he discovered a solution to get people drunk even faster, causing them to spend more money for lesser pleasures. 

“Instead of fighting him head-on, and risking looking bad before the public and the courts, let us use our people to submit a public complaint that someone wants to take over the thrones in Jerusalem and carve a Kingdom for himself,” Loohoo looks around the room to be sure he still has their attention. “We just have to stay mute and pretend to pity Jesus. If anybody asks us anything about him, we can even offer to make a solidarity walk.” He lets the message settle in the room as he dusts his hem dramatically, before raising his eyes and a finger, which he points to Bwari, “I know you are angry sir, but all you have to do is nothing.” 


Jesus’ brown skin is glistening against the sunset in Pontius Pilate’s court. Although Jesus had pleaded neither guilty nor innocent to the charges, Pilate had not found enough evidence to convict him of treachery. Fearing he may start an insurrection, Pilate said the case was a threat to national security and the final hours of the hearing would be conducted in private. 

The room’s gloomy appearance was overwashed by Jesus’ smile. He nodded his head in agreement. Pilate, with a greying moustache and a bare chin, told Jesus as soon as the court was empty —except for him, the state’s attorney, other government representatives, emissaries from the Council of the Rich, and a friend of Jesus, Leenk Judas— that this was not a trial but a “conviction that was set before him.”

Jesus’ glowing smile reflected on Pilate’s bald head as Pilate spoke, “You have offended the wrong people and they have to teach you not to say too much, ask for too much, dream too much, or intrude their businesses.” 

Pilate looked around the room for support, but only Jesus was nodding his head in agreement. “You will be sentenced to public flogging across the land so that people can see that you are not the King of the Jews, but only a lofty man with some weird socialist ideals. You will be hung in a place for people to see you as an example and to deter others like you in the future. I rise!”


Word went out before Jesus stepped a foot outside Pilate’s court. Variations of the judgement were circling in the air with vultures. The most common version of this was that Pilate had sentenced Jesus to be stoned across Jerusalem, before being nailed to a cross where he should be left to die as an example for generations. 

Each member of the Council of the Rich donated resources to nail Jesus. Fashowlah’s workshop provided mahogany for the cross. Jonathan gave his suppliers a holiday, so there would be little trading in town to provide food or water to Jesus. Bwari supplied the soldiers who whipped Jesus till he bled, and made sure as little help as possible came to him. Adamu’s healers were also off-duty, and any healer who went to work was immediately marked for beating, through the help of Bwari’s soldiers. 

Loohoo, however, walked with the crowd and told them he pitied Jesus, whom he said was “like a son to him”, but it was beyond his powers to do anything about it. 

Judas, Jesus’ friend and only ally in Pilate’s court, was seen telling a group of people that Jesus was an insurrectionist who did not know when to stop. 

Eyewitness evidence from multiple sources revealed that Judas was taken to the court on a chariot belonging to Teenubew, who has also been accused of instigating the trial in the first place. 

Although Teenubew was quick to give a town-hall address that he was not interested in what was going on, other documents have revealed that he did not only provide the chariot for Judas, he also paid him between 2,000 and 5,000 Shekels. 

Other documents used in this report were provided by whistleblowers who were present at the Council meetings, in Pilate’s court, and in other places. The identities of our whistleblowers will be protected, for as long as the death of Jesus continues to be a topic for discussion. 

PunOCracy Times commiserates with the family of Jesus, whose death has given us a light we did not know we needed. 

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