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The T.A. Report

Though on steroids, Nigeria’s minimum wage loses badly at world Olympics

Though on steroids, Nigeria’s minimum wage loses badly at world Olympics

BEIJING (The T.A. Report) ―  Nigeria’s minimum wage continues to give an embarrassing performance at the world stage, despite being on steroids, has lost to over 150 other nations at the just-concluded Global Minimum Wage Marathon.

The marathon, popularly called the Olympics of minimum wage, took place in Beijing, China, on Friday and had participant-athletes from 170 countries.

Nigeria’s minimum wage was ranked 155th at the end of the competition, even though it had been administered a performance-enhancing drug the previous day: the New Minimum Wage Bill, certified by the National Assembly as safe for ingestion and approved by the president.

This drug, the T.A. Report learnt, doubled the strength of the country’s minimum wage and increased its chances of winning at the global competition by at least 100 per cent. However, Nigeria only moved up two places from its position the previous year.

Maintaining their position as the top five performers were Australia, Luxembourg, Belgium, Ireland, and France.

Nigeria is also one of the least performing countries in Africa. Algeria, whose player is ranked the tenth best on the continent, has a score of $295, compared to Nigeria’s $83.

Raimi Olowolonjaiye, president of the Higher Wage Lower Rage Initiative, said he has a way out of the national embarrassment.

“It’s simple, really. We need to fire that stupid athlete!” he told our reporter in a phone interview.

” Let us face the reality. No amount of steroids can improve its performance significantly. We need an entirely new player, forward-looking and with fresh blood. Someone who understands global politics and social welfare.

“This may be an expensive approach, but we can achieve it. We are after all headed for the next level,” he added.

Nigeria’s abysmally poor-performing minimum wage has been a subject of controversy for years. Analysts say even the newly administered steroids may not have a nationwide effect, as state governors have already started lamenting their inability to afford the drug.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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