How to sell Nigeria
You’ve probably thought about how to sell this country a couple of times. Well, you’re not alone. Rest assured that thousands of other people have been waiting for advice on how to go about this transaction.
The parable of the pothole
As the driver approached it, the pothole cried out with a loud voice, “Who are you, driver?” Our driver responded as fast as the economic growth rate of Nigeria with, “I am Muhammed from Bornu state.” To my amazement, the pothole closed up leaving us with a smooth road to drive through. I asked the driver what just happened, he said, “Walahi, it’s because I’m from Bornu. What affects other Nigerians doesn’t affect us. Some basic problems other people encounter don’t come near us.”
There is a war coming, but not to worry…
There is a war coming, and it’s filled with lots of jokes; comedian number one⸺Miyetti Allah. Let’s start with what’s not funny, Miyetti Allah getting pissed. You don’t want a pissed Miyetti on your hands, nahhh. When Miyetti gets pissed, monkeys get socked in blood and we don’t want that either, especially seeing as our monkey’s hate the sight of blood. We must do everything to keep Miyetti Allah happy, even if it means giving out our ancestral lands. After all, Fulanis own all the land in Nigeria; they just leased some out to our forefathers. You didn’t know? Then your ancestors are the ones at fault for not giving you the memo.
This is what it means to be Nigerian.
In Nigeria, you’re an artist of race.
first you paint yourself as a Yorùbá, then as a Yorùbá Christian.
and Fuhad paints himself different, a Yoruba Muslim,
and Chukwu thinks you all are jokers, because Catholicism is the light,
and Abdul cuts off Fuhad, for not knowing Allah enough.