27 April 2017

Students of the University of Ibadan, for a while now, have been showing symptoms of a very strange disease called the Tourette syndrome. This shocking revelation is contained in a bulletin released by the university management on Wednesday, 26 April 2017. The syndrome is a neurological disorder characterised by involuntary tics and vocalisations, often the compulsive utterance of obscenities.

The symptoms appear to be aggravated between the hours 7 and 11 in the night, especially when power is not supplied to the halls of residence. They manifest in various ways. At times, a student with this disease may suddenly start woofing like a dog. Students have also been found to make sounds indistinguishable from those of chickens, cats, ghosts etc. Some have suggested that the source of the infection is UI Water and possibly UI Bread, which have been subjects of complaints for a long time.

Also, the University Management has just announced the introduction of a new unit in the school clinic, popularly known as Jaja, to cater for the embarrassing development. According to Mr Tunji Oladejo, the Director of Public Communications, “experts from China have been invited to properly diagnose and deal with the widespread cases. The university cannot afford to take chances, lest the disease, which we have been told is communicable, infects members of the staff.”

“Do not get me wrong please. We are concerned about the health status of our students; but it is no news that, for the current administration, the staff is the number one priority. We therefore have to leave no stone unturned to keep this situation under check,” he added.

Barack O’Payne, a Post-Graduate student and member of the Students’ Representative Council, told The T.A. Report that the situation is worse in halls of residence such as Independence Hall and Nnamdi Azikiwe Hall.

“It is funny that the school management is just taking notice of this. We have been seeing symptoms of this thing for a very long, even since my undergraduate days here, ranging then from cries like “Adewole o” to “I am hungry” and “Books are pursuing me”. History has it that it all started from Nnamdi Azikiwe Hall 10 or so years ago. And then, gradually it spread to Independence Hall, Lord Tedder Hall and so on. This is why cases in Zik and Indy remain Type A,” O’Payne said.

Freshmen who have yet to get accustomed to the situation of things have been complaining bitterly. Ms Iyanujesu Oluwatoyin, a resident of Queen Idia hall, told The T.A. Report that she was once admitted into the school clinic due to shock from the strange sounds.

According to her, “You see, I am terribly afraid of dogs. You may call it a phobia. About three weeks into the session, I was passing by Zik hall while going to my hall, and suddenly I heard dog noises from all corners. Thinking I was surrounded by those ugly beasts, I passed out. I had to be rushed to Jaja. Please, the school should find an urgent solution to this syndrome. We cannot go on like this.”

 


Caveat: This piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of any person’s credulity or mischief. Please, do not take us serious. Yet again, maybe you should do just that.