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The T.A. Report

Woman-beating senator, Abbo, gives hope to others like him, says award cttee

Woman-beating senator, Abbo, gives hope to others like him, says award cttee

ADAMAWA (The T.A. Report) ― The achievements of woman-beating senator, Elisha Abbo, have finally been recognised as a source of inspiration to others like him or those who wish to adopt his unique human woman relations model.

On Saturday, December 21, during the 4th Adamawa Celebrities and Achievers Awards (ACAA) ceremony held in Yola, the distinguished senator was honoured with a “Beacon of Hope” award.

This was six months after Abbo was caught on tape using a young nursing woman, identified as Warmate Osimibibra, as a slapping bag and showing her who was boss at an Abuja adult toy store. He had in July also received a much-deserved “Icon at Democracy” award from the Intercommunity Awareness for Change and Development Initiative (IACDI).

“It is a success story like no other,” one of the award committee members told our correspondent. “We are aware our decision is quite controversial and some people do not agree, but let’s not forget that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.”

“Likewise, one man’s woman-beater is another man’s moneybag… ahem… sorry, I mean role model,” he added, with a flush of embarrassment.

The ACAA committee has described the lawmaker’s achievements as “simply incredible”.

“They remind us, in these trying days, that it is still a man’s world, that man is still at the top of the pecking order,” the committee head said in a prepared speech he forgot to read at the event.

“Abbo’s achievements give us hope that a man can still walk into any establishment, beat up people who challenge his God-given authority, and walk away with both his manhood and status intact. They give us hope that even the efficiency of security cameras and the outrage of all of the social media aren’t enough to bring down a daring man, no less a lawmaker with higher standards of behaviour. We are excited that such trifles as a man slapping a woman aren’t a genuine concern for the courts and legislature in this modern era.”

“This is all the assurance we need that this country is woman-beating-friendly and is not anti-men-who-are-anti-women. Such a relief, I would say,” he added.

Former Vice President Atiku Abubakar was also honoured as Philanthropist of the Decade at the ACAA ceremony, apparently for his many generous donations during the campaign period. The organisers said they would have been delighted to award President Muhammadu Buhari the prestigious Lover of Human Rights Award if only he were from Adamawa.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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4 years ago

God bless you for this piece,

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