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Satire 0-1 News: Let’s just call this the COVID edition

Satire 0-1 News: Let’s just call this the COVID edition

Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.

Coronavirus: Muslims immune, don’t stop mosque prayers – Scholar warns Buhari, Islamic Council

Aliagan told PRNigeria that Nigerian Muslim males should be allowed to observe their compulsory prayers in mosques. He claimed that Muslims have already been endowed with a natural immune system to fight coronavirus. He stated that health officials advise people to wash their hands which Muslims do five times daily before observing their obligatory prayers. “Again, our sisters are always adorned in Hijab, some even use Niqab and gloves. So, we the Muslims already have a potent immune system against coronavirus. That is to say that we don’t have any problem.

Coronavirus: Briefing Nigerians is not Buhari’s style, says Adesina

The Special Adviser to the President on Media and Publicity, Mr. Femi Adesina, has defended the decision of the President, Maj.Gen Muhammadu Buhari (retd.), not to address Nigerians daily amid the raging COVID-19 pandemic. Adesina said on Channels Television’s ‘Politics Today’ programme on Thursday that it wasn’t Buhari’s “style” to brief Nigerians. The President’s aide said this while responding to a question on why the President has not been briefing Nigerians the way other world leaders engage their citizens.

TB Joshua cancels Sunday service over Coronavirus

Synagogue Church of All Nations (SCOAN) leader Prophet T.B. Joshua who said the Coronavirus outbreak would end on 27th of March has suspended his Sunday Service because of the Covid-19 pandemic. The controversial Nigerian televangelist, whose full name is Temitope Balogun Joshua, claimed early this month that heavy rains would wash away the pandemic by this Friday and there would be no trace of the deadly virus. He specifically mentioned 27th of March as the day the coronavirus would disappear. “I came out at the beginning of this year saying last year will end in March and the year will continue to be very fearful till this month [March]. This month 27th, it will be over,” he had said.

Akwa Ibom rejects COVID-19 results, asks NCDC to conduct fresh tests

It fingered irregularities in the testing process and thereby called on the Centre to conduct another round of tests forthwith. In a statement issued on Thursday, the government said all the fives cases reported to have tested positive for COVID-19 were yet to show any symptom of the virus. It alleged that the NCDC Director-General, Dr Chikwe Ihekweazu, was not aware of the results before the announcement.

Lagos University Teaching Hospital sends away man who tested positive for coronavirus over lack of bed space

A man named Emmanuel Benson, who had close contact with two persons that recently arrived Lagos from the United Kingdom, has been told to go home by medical personnel at the Lagos University Teaching Hospital, Idi-Araba, after testing positive for Coronavirus. Benson, who had hoped to be quarantined and treated at LUTH after being tested at the government-owned hospital on March 21, was asked to go back home over lack of bed space to admit him at the facility. 

Kano scientists set to produce hand sanitisers

He revealed that the department has been inspired to go back to the laboratory to ease the suffering of the masses through the production of hand sanitisers saying, “The hand sanitisers, which are at the experimental stage are targeted at users within the university community until it gains official approval and registration from National Agency for Food Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC) for mass production for the consumption of Kano State at the initial stage.”

You don’t need social distancing once you put on a mask — Gov Ben Ayade says

“I’m a professor of science and I know how this virus moves; I know its etiology, I know it transmissibility, I know its antigenicity; because I do, I know that once you put on this mask, you have already been protected. “You don’t need social distancing when you are properly protected because your mucal glands that secretes the mucus and the musins already forms a network of coats to attack the virus,” Ayade announced to a cheering audience.

6 coronavirus patients escape from isolation centre in Osun

The six patients according to Nigerian Tribune belong to a cluster of COVID-19 cases who recently returned to the state from Ivory Coast. Upon their return to Nigeria on Saturday, March 28, 2020, Osun state government immediately isolated the travellers at Gedu in Ejigbo. But six of them escaped from the isolation centre on Friday night.

I never knew Nigeria’s healthcare infrastructure was in such bad state – SGF

Mr Mustapha, who is also the chairman of the Presidential Taskforce (PTF) on COVID-19, said he realised how bad it was, after he was appointed to head the team. He made this known during a meeting with the leadership of the national assembly on Thursday. “I can tell you for sure, I never knew that our entire healthcare infrastructure was in the state in which it is. Until I was appointed to do this work,” he said.

While COVID-19 claimed cix, Nigerian security operatives have killed 13 enforcing lockdown

Various lockdown directives by the federal and state governments in Nigeria have resulted in undesired violent incidences questioning the footing of restriction measure in the country. The stay-at-home order has resulted in a barrage of sundry violence attacks across the country in which security operatives, who are engaged to protect citizens, are fingered in most of the cases.

EXTRA I: Robbers attack policemen at checkpoints, snatch AK-47 rifles

A six-man robbery gang has attacked two police checkpoints in Enugu State, snatching Ak-47 rifles from some policemen manning the spots. The robbers, who were operating in a tricycle otherwise known as ‘keke’, reportedly stabbed three policemen and burnt a patrol vehicle. City Round gathered that the incident took place along Enugu-Nsukka Road by Ugwuojo Nike on Tuesday, during the enforcement of the partial lockdown in the state to contain the spread of coronavirus pandemic.

EXTRA II: Police: Motorcyclist dies while avoiding Ondo governor’s convoy

Assistant Superintendent of Police (ASP), Tee-Leo Ikoro, the Ondo State Police Public Relations Officer, told newsmen in Akure on Monday that the commercial motorcyclist was trying to avoid the governor’s convoy when the incident occurred on Sunday night. “There was an accident yesterday (Sunday) night in Owo where an Okada man on high speed rammed into stationary Jeep and died on the spot. It was not the convoy of the governor that killed him, the truth is that it was the speed of the Okada man that was the problem, and he rammed into the stationary vehicle and killed himself. He suddenly heard the governor convoy’s siren; he was speeding and to avoid the convoy, he rammed into a stationary vehicle (Jeep).”

EXTRA III: Help Nigeria out of poverty, Senate President begs World Bank

President of the Senate, Ahmad Lawan has said Nigeria was in need of support of all international financial institutions in view of its present economic challenges. Nigeria a country with a mono product-driven economy is at the mercy of the downward slide in the price of crude oil in the international market. Receiving the new World Bank Country Director for Nigeria, Shubham Chaudhuri, Senator Lawan said Nigeria would appreciate the support of the World Bank to mitigate poverty.

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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