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The T.A. Report

“Sack all porters, we do not need them,” UI students demand

“Sack all porters, we do not need them,” UI students demand

2 April 2017

Residents of various student halls in the University of Ibadan yesterday told The T.A. Report that they do not want porters to resume work at all. According to them, they have fared better during the Non-Academic Staff Union strike compared to the time before it started.

Ms Tomisin, the Chairperson of Queen Elizabeth II Hall, said since the industrial action began, there have been no incidents of infringement on privacy or indiscriminate fining of residents.

“This two-week period of strike has led us to realise that we have no need whatsoever for the so-called porters. They are useless, if not even harmful. The school should stop wasting hard-earned IGR on these people. We can take care of the hall ourselves. With them not around, we have been sleeping quietly with no fear of some man barging in. And there have also been no cases of innocents getting fined for the crimes of others,” she said.

The Chairman of their neighbouring hall Mellanby, Mr Oyegunle Gbenga Paul, also opined along similar lines.

“Let someone please tell the management that we have no need for porters. My executives and I agreed during our last meeting that it is high time we ported to a porter-free world. When the porters were around, two or three successful burglaries were committed under their lazy noses. But since they left, we have had no such incidents,” he said.

“Only God knows if they were even complicit in these crimes,” Paul, who is also a popular public speaker on campus, added with fitting hand gesticulation.

Mr Abass Adeyemi, a student of Microbiology, even suggested that the porters should be sacked without compensation. According to him, they do not deserve any pity.

E don tire me sef. Oh, just the thought of them resuming,” he said with a look of disgust.

When asked to expatiate, he said, “Every day, all they do is watch television, fine students unnecessarily and engage in chitchat. If they are not doing these, then they will be molesting our ear drums with ballistic missiles under the guise of public announcements. They should all be sacked without exception and without pity. The university administration should even don them with a gown of misconduct and give them no compensation whatsoever.”

All efforts to get comments from the Students’ Union President, Mr Ojo Nifemi Emmanuel, proved abortive. All indications have it that he is presently MIA (missing in action) and AWOL (absent without leave).

It will be recalled that the NASU Chairman, Mr Segun Arojo, on Saturday declared the strike (earlier described by the Union of Campus Journalists as the fart of an ant) suspended.


Caveat: This piece is a semi-fictional satire aimed purely at humour. It should be believed (totally) only at reader’s risk. The T.A. report hereby refuses to accept responsibility for the results of any person’s credulity or mischief.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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