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The T.A. Report

People booing Buhari in Maiduguri ‘not even up to 100,000’, says Odesina

People booing Buhari in Maiduguri ‘not even up to 100,000’, says Odesina

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigerians are giving too much credit to the incident in Maiduguri where President Muhammadu Boohari was jeered at by residents, Special Adviser on Media Femii Odesina has said.

While addressing a group of well-fed journalists infiltrated by the T.A. Report on Thursday, the presidential spokesperson wondered why the viral footage has gathered a lot of internet dust. The video had shown mostly young residents of the Borno state capital shouting “ba mu so {we don’t want}; ba mu yi {we’re not interested}” as the world’s longest presidential convoy zoomed by.

“Those were just a handful of people,” Odesina observed derisively as is his fashion. He added that it cannot, in fact, be noted with certainty that those were Nigerians in the video.

“But let’s even assume they are not from Chad or the Niger Republic and the video was not doctored by the merchants of fake news who are bent on sinking this country, how can anyone call it a protest when they are not even up to 100,000 people?” he asked.

The room fell silent, with reporters half-expecting a chuckle from the spokesman to be sure he was cracking a joke; but nothing of the sort happened.

“Let me tell you, this is a country of over 200 million people,” Odesina continued with a serious tone. “According to the Public Dissent Policy that is guiding this administration, for any gathering to be considered a protest, a quorum of at least one-third has to be formed. And if you didn’t fail Mathematics in school, you’ll know that’s about 67 million. Anything less than that is just a charade and will not be recognised.”

Odesina made similar remarks about outcries following the arrest of Omoyele Sowore, convener of the Revolution Now campaign, describing the protests as the “opinion of a vocal minority”.

Meanwhile, the minister of information, Lai Machine-Ahmed, has described the shocking booing incident as an attestation to the administration’s flawless human rights record.

“I know my good friend the Chief of Army Staff, Tukur Buratai, would have captured this perfectly. The Borno incident only goes to show that the absence of freedom of speech is no longer a problem in Nigeria, it is the absence of freedom of expression that should still concern us.

“If this government were as intolerant as some people claim, those fellas in Maiduguri would by now be celebrating Valentine in a maximum-security prison far away from home or, worse, pay the ultimate price for their lack of patriotism as Saint Valentine himself did many centuries ago. But we should thank God Baba is not that kind of person.”

This report was inspired by: Adeyeye Olorunfemi.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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