You be nepo, we be lapo
If we chop once a day,
Na privilege.
If you do the same thing,
Na intermittent fasting.
How to have it all in your 20s
It starts immediately after university graduation. You are not allowed to be confused because confusion is for unserious people. You must find a high-paying job, even if the only work experience you have is editing your friends’ CVs and making Canva flyers for your cousin’s catering business.
The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach
A woman’s heart is not like a man’s heart; instead of being made of veins and muscles that can be penetrated by a simple stab of a knife, the woman’s heart has special sensors connected to the stomach, a path that can only be opened by the taste of a man’s good cooking.
We have a miracle here
We are not like those places where a father rules from his thirties till his death and then hands over to his son. Our dictators here fuck you up nicely; they would put on a smile that would make you disbelieve the evils they do in secret.
Diagnosis: Hope Deficiency. Cause: Nigeria.
You hear fuel price is dropping by ₦10 and instead of relaxing, you rush to fill your tank and your two yellow jerrycans — because you know it’s only a matter of time before they “correct the mistake.” It’s not a celebration. It’s preparation.
The films we will never make (because God forbid Nigerian youth show emotions)
Where are the stories of confusion? Of loneliness? Of soft heartbreaks and awkward conversations? Nowhere. They were arrested for loitering. Instead, we get the same thing every time. A woman who cannot cook. A man who cannot zip his trousers. A mother-in-law who came to Earth to destroy joy. And somewhere in there, jazz. Because why not?
How to be immortal without dying: Introducing the Presidential Naming Rights Commission
It is often said that governance is about roads, security, and economic growth, but that is the thinking of mere mortals. True immortality is not only built with cement and policy; it is also constructed with plaques, marble signs, and rebranded signposts. A monument does not become national until it answers to a name worthy of national awakening, preferably in capital letters.
How to be immortal without dying: Satirical gazette for the renamed republic
Of course, some “critics”, the usual people who don’t appreciate excellence in ego, have called it “sycophantic,” “tone-deaf,” and “grossly undemocratic.” Imagine! Just because we renamed a road or ten! These people clearly don’t understand that Nigeria is now a brand, and every brand needs consistency. Especially when the roads are not.
Floating Naira, sinking people: A mid-term memoir of misery
Two years ago, we welcomed His Excellency, President Bobo the Bold, into the sacred chambers of Aso Rock. A man of vision, they said. A builder who has built the best state amongst its contemporaries. A man of action, they proclaimed. And indeed, action we have seen, though perhaps not the kind we anticipated.
The Neanderthal and his beautiful cave
The Neanderthal stepped out of his cave. It was a good cave. No, it was a beautiful cave. It was a beautiful cave, deep with many rooms. It was the best of all caves.