TWITTER (The T.A. Report) ―  The Nigerian Army has stepped up its investments in Twitter hash tags after realising that the war of terrorism cannot be won without absolute victory on social media.

According to sources familiar with the project, this new exercise has been code-named Operation Lafiya Twitter, and will likely gulp close to a billion naira in funding.

Leading this assault on social media bandits is Brig. Gen. PamPam, more fondly known by his nickname Omo Iya Ologi. With an army of over 260,000 followers on Twitter, Iya Ologi’s son possesses the perfect qualities required for a project as important as ass-wiping the Nigerian Army’s reputation on the internet.

“Nigeria is currently ranked the third most terrorised country on the planet. From Biko Haram [sic] to Banditory [double sic] to Herdsmen to Kidnappings terrorism is a problem in Nigeria,” he said from one side of his mouth before proceeding to add “#OurMilitaryisCapable” from the second side, all the while wearing a straight face.

Though the Nigerian Army has been one of the greatest advocates against parody accounts on the platform, it appears they have no reservations working with them when it is in the interest of national security.

One account on Twitter pretending to be Omah Lay, a popular musician, under the guise of parody, is another leading commander under Operation Lafiya Twitter.

He asked users of the platform, yesterday, to drop the name of their banks while adding the hashtag #OurMilitaryIsCapable to their replies. 150 people (?) swiftly commented, most without including their account numbers but somehow still expecting the god of giveaways to locate them.

Meanwhile, just less than a week ago, the same Omah Lay could be seen on the platform asking to get a free meal of burger, chips, and Cocacola from Parpkin Shawarma, and begging his followers not to engage his retweet (as this was the condition for winning).

The T.A. Report understands that the money for Operation Lafiya Twitter was only approved following the total defeat of Boko Haram terrorists, bandits, and kidnappers, and the acquisition of more than enough arms and ammunition for officials of the Armed Forces. We have also confirmed, glory to God, that recent videos that showed soldiers in the North East drinking unclean water and crying for support from the army leadership were either fabricated by the opposition party or originated from the Republics of Niger and Chad.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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