See, I want to help your life. I want to help your life so that you also can become somebody we will tell “yes sir” in this hell of a life. And the only way to do that in this nation of ours is to be big. When I say big, I don’t mean Osinbajo big o – big that you’ll be big and you’ll not be able to demonstrate your bigness, is that one big? – no, not that kind of bigness. The kind of bigness I am advocating for you in this life is that Orji Uzor Kalu big. Big that you’ll be big and all your enemies will be left clutching the air in your wake, big that can make you approbate and reprobate even before the highest court of the land, big that, chai, I’m talking too much.

See ehn, If you don’t ever achieve anything else with your life in this Nigeria, the least you can do for yourself and your family is to be big. If you won’t be big for yourself, at least be big for your extended family and future generations. Your great-grandchildren twice removed would praise your name like we praise Abacha’s every time we receive his alert from the abroad.

Why am I advocating for you to be big? Simple. You see, the perks of being big in this Nigeria ehn… It is oga-n-table uncountable. As a big man in Nigeria, you can be a convicted felon and still hold a legislative seat. Like… You will be leading your constituency in absentia from your prison cell. This is the ultimate flex and no other flex compares to it unless of course, you’re Sinzu. Sinzu money.

As a big man in Nigeria, you can never stay long in prison. This is because when big men are in Nigerian prisons, they are well-behaved model citizens whom every inmate are charged by the prison officials to emulate. They are not like small men who go on hunger strikes and scream injustice because they have not attained the status of big men and as such, they do not have legislative cells at their disposal nor buttons to press to make their stay more luxurious.

When a Court of Justice gives the order for the release of a big man in Nigeria, that order is immediately complied with by the prison officials who know that they are big and, as such, do not need to be protected. For these big men, a motorcade is usually on hand to sweep them out of their legislative cells to go and be continuing their bigness from where they stopped in the real world.

In the case of small men, the situation is different. Small men need to be protected from society and from themselves. Who knows, a million and one things such as a bus jamming them immediately the prison officials comply with the order to release them can happen and God forbid they die before they taste their much-needed air of freedom.

When big men are released from prison, they, unlike small men, are not treated as pariahs in society. Rather, their fellow big men often constitute themselves into a committee to go felicitate and jollificate with them on their successful release from prison… all on TAXPAYERS’ MONEY.

At this point, I have already run out of steam, but I believe you understand the gist of all I’m saying.

Do not, I repeat, do not be a small man in Nigeria. It will end in tears.

By any and every means possible, hook o, crook o, just be a big man.

Never say I did not do anything for you.

Shalom.

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