*To be accompanied by Show Dem Camp’s Big Dream playing in the background.*
In the 8th month of the 6th year of the reign of Daddy Bubu; King over all of Nigeria, 5 years after the end of the unending recession, it appeared to Meffy, Keeper of the Treasury, in a dream that the root cause of Nigeria’s great famine was the imbalance in the flow and exchange of foreign currency in the country, and in order to keep his head, Meffy needed to correct this imbalance with immediate alacrity.
With a start, Meffy woke up from his dream, and in a loud roar that resonated across the four corners of Nigeria, he uttered “Ban Them!”
Early the next morn, Meffy got straight to the business of banning Nigeria’s enemies as it had appeared to him in his dream. He fingered abokiFx as the kokoro in the efo causing all of Nigeria’s inflation, engaged him in rògbòdìyàn on national television, and emerged victorious after just one round in the ring, thus displaying his great might and power.
And Daddy Bubu continued to reign in Aso rock, as the Naira continued to decline against the Dollar. Shekau and his gang of inglorious bastards having morphed into ‘bandits’ had temporarily stopped screaming haram, and Hisbah continued its hypocritic run of policing deviant behaviour in Kano State.
In the 5th Month, of the 7th year, of the reign of Daddy Bubu, King over all of Nigeria, the whispers began to float that Meffy the indefatigable, self-acclaimed saviour of Nigeria’s Economy who went head-to-head with abokiFX in the battle for Nigeria’s economy, and who dealt abokiFX a knockout blow he is yet to recover from just months ago, had thrown his hat in the ring; alongside other pretenders, to be King over all of Nigeria.
Astaghfirullah! the people exclaimed, Eewọ! they shouted. Surely, these whispers had to be a joke. Or was Meffy no longer the Keeper of the Treasury? Was Meffy no longer bound by the provisions of the Constitution? Was Meffy now a phi see from top to bottom? Why was Meffy no longer disguising?
Then came the clamour. If the whispers were indeed true, then Meffy had to lose his head. Economic saviour or not. This was the height of Bastitude! and the guillotine was the only acceptable resolution.
Eruobodo, a renowned political commentator with 42 years of experience in analysing Presidential Declarations under Mokola’s bridge, however, urged caution. Eruobodo authoritatively told his captive audience that these, indeed, were only whispers, for everyone knew that serious presidential declarations were always preceded by statements of divine visitation and guidance, and anyone throwing his hat in the ring without confirmation from his god was only deceiving himself.
Meffy; according to Eruobodo, would be a fool to vie for the Kingship without hearing from his god, and urged his captive audience to remain calm and watch it all unfold.
And the people sharpened their knives and axes in anticipation of the divine confirmation of Meffy’s abomination, Daddy Bubu continued to reign in Aso Rock even as the number of pretenders vying for the throne continued to rise, while the victims of the Kaduna train attack remained in captivity.