ABUJA (The T.A. Report) — The Association of Village People of Nigeria (AVPN) has confessed to endorsing President Buhari’s re-election agenda.
It said this in a statement released on Monday, which was signed by its National President, Dr Lasisi Alaran. The statement reported that, after its 92nd Annual General Meeting held in March, the association resolved that Muhammadu Buhari is the perfect candidate to keep Nigeria the way it is.
“We have monitored the political landscape closely for a long time. We have studied all the candidates, and we honestly think Buhari is, in all ramifications, the worst of them all. That is why he has our full support,” the statement read.
“He has all it takes to become Nigeria’s President ― money, popularity, and money. But more importantly, he has all it takes to keep Nigeria the way it is ― insecure, confused, and undeveloped. In our nearly 100 years of existence as an association, we have not seen a more perfect candidate.
“It is because of this we communicated to the President that we support him having a second tenure. We suspect Mr President was referring to us when he said Nigerians appreciate his administration and are clamouring for his return.”
The association also urged President Buhari to get another running mate in 2019, advising against the choice of Professor Yemi Osinbajo.
“As much as we admire the achievements of this administration, we believe Professor Osinbajo has injected too much sanity into the Presidential Villa, and that is more good to the country than we can bear,” it said.
“We recommend that the President runs with Adamu Adamu, the Minister of Education. And if he is bent on having a Yoruba deputy (we already know the 5% people are a no-no), then there is perhaps no better man for the job than Adebayo Shittu of Oyo state. He is indeed one of our very talented ambassadors.
“We wish President Buhari all the best till 2023, and we urge all Nigerians to vote for him as he has all it takes to move Nigeria (backwards). Hopefully, by the time our great association is celebrating her 100 years anniversary in 2026, it will be with a toast to Nigeria getting crowned as the most failed state of the world. We shall get there.”
Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … But, on second thought, maybe you should do just that.