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The T.A. Report

“My role model is Patience Jonathan” – says S.U. vice presidential aspirant

“My role model is Patience Jonathan” – says S.U. vice presidential aspirant

24 April 2017

Ms Akanni Olamide, an aspirant for the post of Students’ Union Vice President, has said in an exclusive interview with The T.A. Reports that she has so much respect for the former First Lady of the Federation, Mrs Patience Dame Jonathan. She said what some may consider as blunders are actually her way of imitating her beloved role model.

According to her, “What many people did not know is that Mama Peace have been my role model since I was in secondary school. She have also been my mentor for a while after I seeked her out at Aso Rock. I like her dressing style, I like her charisma, her humour, oratory ability and everything. She have a very special way of getting attention with the way she talks. That is what I have been following, and I think I am getting results.”

“I’m so excited about this election because I want to bring Aunty Patience to UI as a guest lecturer during the Students’ Union week,” she added.

When asked why the name “Team Assurance” as her campaign slogan, Ms Olamide said it was a mistake.

“I wanted to use Service2017, but my boyfriend said my service is not to the union but to him alone, so I changed my mind. Someone then suggested Team Assurance. I didn’t know why. But since it sounded cute and fashionable, I picked it. It was later on, after I had printed my banner that I borrowed a dictionary to check what it means,” she said.

“I want to tell Uites that I am sorry. It was a mistake o. Please I am not assuring you anything. Don’t come and say ‘Mide said this but did not do it. The only thing I can say is that I like fashion and I like services. I like servicing humanity, especially men who are in need.”

About her plans for the union if elected, Ms Olamide said there are none, but she knows she cannot fail because it is not her “portion.”

“Many have been promising in the past and have not been achieving anything. Many have planned without results. Ahn! Ahn! See, my own approach is: What if we did not plan and what if we did not promise? Is it not Albert Einstein that said it is mad people that cook with the same ingredients every time and expect a different taste?

“Please tell Uites to vote for me, especially those ones that like saying what does not concern them on Facebook. Tell them I am a good girl, and failure is not my portion.”


Caveat: This piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of any person’s credulity or mischief. Please, do not take us serious. Yet again, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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