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The T.A. Report

In his grave, Abacha turns in envy as Buhari suspends CJN

In his grave, Abacha turns in envy as Buhari suspends CJN

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Advanced satellite images available to The T.A. Report in the last 12 hours have shown an unusual level of disturbance in the graveyard of General Sani Abacha, former military dictator of Nigeria. The surrounding vegetation also appears to have become more lush and green, though it is not yet rainy season.

Mohammed Abacha, the late ruler’s eldest surviving son, has however helped with some context.

“This is not the first time we have heard deep rolling sounds from where baba was buried,” he told our geopolitical correspondent in a phone conversation.

He explained that such movements have always coincided with political events which the late ruler would have been deeply satisfied with had he been alive, adding that the movements have become more frequent since Muhammadu Buhari became Nigeria’s president in 2015.

“But we have not heard rolling sounds as loud and lengthy as that of Friday evening,” the younger Abacha said.

“My guess is that it has to do with General Buhari’s latest move, removing Walter Onnoghen as the Chief Justice of Nigeria and replacing him with Tanko. Baba would have been high on envy, considering that, with all his powers as a military head of state back then, the judiciary was still largely independent.”

Dr Aiyekooto Williams, an expert in Political Microbiology at the University College Hospital, Ibadan, has said given a scientific explanation for the colour changes noted around the grave.

“One of the miracles about the human body is that, even after death, hormones responsible for jealousy remain as active as ever,” he said.

“It is likely that these hormones, which have been found to contain significant amounts of chlorophyll, were somehow triggered and released into the surrounding soil.”

President-General Buhari had on Friday suspended Onnoghen as the Chief Justice of Nigeria and replaced him with Ibrahim Tanko Mohammed, over allegations of false assets declaration.

He cited an order from the Code of Conduct Tribunal as justification, but information available to The T.A. Report traced the origin of the order to the EFCC headquarters in Abuja, where the CCT chairman, Danladi Umar, has an open case file on bribery.

Abacha was Nigeria’s military Head of State for five years, ruling between 1993 and 1998. He was the seventh dictator to have ruled Nigeria and, with the exception of Abdulsalami Abubakar, political analysts are still debating whether he was the last.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … But, on second thought, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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