… where sa-tyres never go flat

The T.A. Report

 “I will run for President in 2019” – declares Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, in new video

 “I will run for President in 2019” – declares Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, in new video

The notorious Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, who now heads one of the two rumoured factions, has officially announced his intention to run for the highest office in Nigeria. The shocking revelation was contained in a five-minute video, recorded in Arabic, which was made available to the News Agency of Nigeria on Saturday.

In the video, Mr Shekau was not dressed in his typical military uniform and turban. Rather, he was clad in a flowing white babariga and matching native cap, perhaps signifying that he is a changed man. Also, instead of his signature AK47, he was seen holding a walking stick with green and white colours.

“By Allah, I will be running for the President of Nigeria next year,” he declared two minutes into the video, after his prelude. “I have discovered that we cannot shy away from politics if we want to make real difference, so I have adopted the ideals of what I call Islamist Democracy,” he added.

“I want Nigerians to know that I am not a stranger to politics. I have had many key politicians as friends, and we policies together, but this is not enough.”

Abubakar argued that he is qualified for the top office considering the nature of some other individuals who have indicated interest. “If someone like Fayose, the rigging murderer from Ekiti, or Atiku can become president, why can’t I?” he asked, both hands thrown in front of him. “Besides, I am much younger than most of these people.”

He also promised Nigerians, towards the end of the clip, that he will tackle the problem of insecurity if he is elected as President. “With my experience as a soldier and freedom fighter, I promise to put an end to problems of insecurity once and for all – including Boko-Haram,” he said.

An ongoing opinion poll conducted by BBC Hausa indicates that 27.5% of respondents have no problem with his candidacy.

“The devil we know is better than the messiah we only met on Facebook,” Tunde Ajala, a carpenter from Ibadan, told The T.A. Report. “At least we know what to expect, and not when someone is shouting change, change, only to kill innocent people accidentally and embarrass us every time abroad.”

Mrs Chioma Onakufe, a secondary school teacher from Rivers State, thinks any candidate at all is better than the status quo. “See, anyone or anything but Buhari is good enough for me. Even if the devil becomes a politician today, I will vote for him. At least, with him, we know where we are going,” she said with a straight face.



Caveat: This piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of any person’s credulity or mischief. Please, do not take us serious. Yet again, maybe you should do just that.

0 0 votes
Article Rating

Share this post

I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

Wanna leave a reply?

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x