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The T.A. Report

‘How would students come for our rallies if we called off ASUU strike?’ Buhari asks

‘How would students come for our rallies if we called off ASUU strike?’ Buhari asks

KANO (The T.A. Report) ― President Muhammadu Buhari has finally thrown some light on why the industrial action embarked upon by the Academic Staff Union of Universities may not end anytime soon.

On Thursday, while addressing a mammoth, allegedly multinational, crowd of fans and supporters during the ruling party’s campaign rally in Kano, the 76-year-old Nigerian leader explained the wisdom behind protracting the strike.

“Many people have been asking how soon we plan to resolve this issue with the lecturers. But, please join me in asking them: Are we going to have this number of people here today if not for the strike?” the president asked.

“Wallahi, we cannot,” he replied himself. “So, to answer the question, we will give the university people what they want after our last campaign rally on February 14.”

“It will be our valentine’s gift to them,” he added with a broad smile.

“We would have done something about it in December, but my short friend wisely advised against it,” he said, wrapping his arms around Adams Oshiomole. “He said we should hold on for a while so that our dear students, who have half of all the Voters’ Cards in this country, can join us in this rare reunion of people and politicians.”

Buhari also described the strike as one of the proud achievements of his administration, arguing that it demonstrates how democratic his government is.

“Academic freedom is a priority for this party,” he remarked, “and there is no better way to express this freedom than to down tools without consequences. You know, just as the freedom to marry is best expressed in the right to divorce and re-marry.

“So we urge members of ASUU to be patient with us; and also our l-l-aa- …., sorry, hardworking youth. If we still have enough money left in the treasury after the campaigns, we will definitely give priority to the schools.”

The ASUU strike started on Monday, November 5, 2018, and series of meetings between union officials and the federal government have curiously all ended in deadlocks.

Analysts estimate that, since independence, the average Nigerian student spends more leisure time due to constant strikes than a Lagosian spends in traffic jams his entire life. Academic sessions that are completed successfully without disruptions have, in fact, been observed to trigger panic disorders and depression in students.

“In extreme cases, they are so astonished that they begin to doubt everything, including their very existence,” experts say.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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