Whether Nigeria is the World Poverty Capital (WPC) or not as stated by the Oyinbos, Nigerians can still be relevant in Nigeria even with unproductive and unforthcoming policies of the government. The Oyinbos decided to create confusion in the country by giving Nigeria that derogatory tag. Have they got no idea at all of the plethora of wealthy people we have in Nigeria or the aristocratic politicians who steal from the public funds to enrich themselves? Or will they say they were not aware of the fact that Alison Madueke’s “seized possessions” value more than Bill Gate’s net worth? Or the fact that President Buhari has been allocating N5000 to citizens of Nigeria? Why then should we be the WPC!

Nigerians can be relevant in Nigeria against all odds. To this effect, I have compiled a useful guide to becoming relevant in Nigeria even with the current mishaps the country is experiencing.

YOU MUST BE AN INEFFECTIVE PRESIDENT:

You see when you are doing well to the country, Nigerians will not be happy with you. If there’s adequate security and abundance of food, Nigerians will not acknowledge you. The best way you can be relevant in Nigeria is to have shortcomings in your duties as the President. Make sure there’s no adequate security even when you promise exactly that. Make sure the price of petrol increases drastically even when you promise a tremendous reduction.

This way Nigerians will speak about you every day and hail you with series of curses, excretions and imprecations. No doubt you’ll be relevant. A good example is that of President Buhari who promised change but brought the opposite. Almost everyday, Nigerians give him a share in their daily curses. How better to be relevant, right?

EMBEZZLE FUNDS:

My people, see, there is no saint anywhere. The earth is corrupt so we must be corrupt with it. Even the angels that Baba God sent to earth fumbled, so what of us humans. My people, you must embezzle funds to become relevant in Nigeria. If you are an anti-corruption advocate, oo le ri (you can’t see). The more you are caught in the web of corruption, the more you become relevant in Nigeria especially as your name appears daily in the newspaper.

So steal as much as you can, bribe the Justices so they can give injustice. Sha be involved in anything corruption, you’ll be relevant. If you are in doubt, take a look at Alison Madueke, Atiku Abubakar, and the like. Aren’t they relevant in Nigerian polity?

BREAK THE NORMS:

You see conforming to the societal norms and conventions cannot give you relevance. If you obey what the society says, my people, you will just remain there. So if you are a guy, change your gender to a lady. Be like Bobrisky–the Idris guy that became slay mama. By so doing, Nigerians will clamour at such audacity and with that, you’ll begin to gain prominence and relevance. An average Nigerian knows Bobrisky. I think you see the relevance.

Also, you’ll be the prayer point of many Nigerian mothers. Have you heard a mother pray that her children will not be unfortunate like Bobrisky? You haven’t heard? Since Nigerians are prayer warriors, using your name as prayer point or as a negative example in the society will definitely give you relevance.

SING BAD BONGS:

If you are the type that sings, “God is good, He has done it for me,” my people, you’ll die there. You can never be relevant. You must sing songs that celebrate moral putrescence and societal decadence like Naira Marley, Zlatan, and a host of others. You must be able to sing songs that promote internet fraud, masturbation, etcetera. My goodness, Nigerians will hail you!

Though the intelligent ones will chastise you, do not be bothered especially when the not-so-intelligent Nigerians will respect you. You see, you don’t even need intelligent people to blow or be relevant. Since it is said that Nigerians are gullible, you will just increase their gullibility with the stupidity of your songs.

Have you heard about one fine lady that was ranting on Instagram because Naira Marley liked her page? So you see how the power of bad songs can bring you followers? Singing bad songs, therefore, gives you prominence and relevance in Nigeria especially in this era of dwindling standards of education.  And, as a bad song crooner, you’ll be our role model.

BE A FAKE CLERIC:

If you are a cleric that speaks the truth, my people, you cannot be relevant. As a religious person, you must know how to lie. Mis-direct Nigerians with your fake prophecies especially as your words are divine revelations from the Almighty. If you make a true prophecy, Nigerians will not recognize you.

In Nigeria, we hate truths; so feed us with religious lies. For example, if you prophesy that Buhari will die, Nigerians will recognize you and even chant loud “Amen” to your prophecy. And when your prophecy does not come to pass, Buhari people will come for you. Amidst the confusion, punchlines and rebuttals, you will be relevant. Trust me!

BE A GENEROUS DRIVER:

To be relevant as well, you must be a generous Danfo or Taxi driver in possession of many denominations of Naira, so you can just hand a few of them over to the Men in Black. You then drive gallantly to checkpoints without a driver’s license, while waiting for the Men in Black to salute you and chant your name endlessly. Keep committing such atrocity and you will be relevant. On the highway at least.

YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO ABUSE:

If I say you must know how to abuse, please don’t take after the nature of the Ibadan local women—they are not relevant. Great abuse is a well-packaged abuse. Go to the social media and abuse the president of Nigeria or any of his equivalents. Go to Twitter and tweet: #Buhari is a fuck-up nigga, or something like that. You’ll be surprised to see the number of re-tweets.

Keep abusing your leaders as the cause of the bad situation in the country while you do nothing to change the status quo except by pointing accusing fingers. The more you abuse your leaders at the corridors of power, the more you are cited as a patriotic citizen and the resultant effect is “relevance.”

This is the end of my voyage. Expect more as time flies. If you are done perusing my useful guide, you’d probably shoot me with a toy gun.

Balogun Onigedu engages in casting the light of justice on the darkness of the society’s evils. he can be reached via Twitter @prof_babs or Instagram @kar_shams