Hey, are you an intending student of Nigeria’s premier university? Or you’re already a student of the school? This is for you.

Maybe you don’t know — or you know but you need a refresher — UI, Nigeria’s first, is Nigeria’s best. This is not my random thought. Ask Webnometics how they arrived at that.

Being a student of the school is a great privilege. Because if it is from Ibadan, it has to be the best. In fact, some Poly (The Polytechnic, Ibadan) or FSS (Federal School of Statistics) students, when asked where they school, would reply saying Ibadan. They wouldn’t bother clarifying that it isn’t UI. They are good like that.

Now that resumption is in few days, it is the best time to release this long list of guides on how to be a student of the school, after weeks of panel discussions on having this completed. Just for you.

You see, as a student, your first obligation is to keep your studentship. Many have lost their studentship for a number of reasons. Except you are rude or lack home training, don’t go about showing contempt or insulting your in loco parentis. Someone who didn’t hearken to this advice went on Facebook to insult the VC. He graduated with his one-year juniors (could have been two years).

Whenever the school does anything against your will, be not among those who would protest. Don’t you ever. Except your studentship is not dear to you. At best, be an intellectual dummy: learn to keep shut when you should talk and see no bad in managerial mediocrity. You shall graduate.

Add to that, don’t ever dare challenge leadership. In UI, we live by the African culture that Elders are never wrong. Your job is not to ask questions. Your job is to do as you’re told. You’re in school to read and graduate. So don’t be distracted. Except you want to be pegged back like a certain nosey reporter who dared write. Or a beardless 200-level who led protests. Save your head. Leave your tongue in your mouth. Don’t bring it out. Management is never wrong. And remember that you are a bloody undergraduate who has no experience.

Now that you must have had your admission secured, it is time to know how to live in the school. But first, you have to know that accommodation is not guaranteed in the school’s hostel, except you are new or in your final year. If you secure a room, lucky you. If you don’t, there are rooms outside the school, get one. Life is about struggle. After all, you struggled before you could best the millions of sperm cells that competed with you during your formative moment.

For those in the hostel, use its facilities anyhow. Cook in the room. Use hotplate. Throw water through the balcony. Paying fine is not your problem. Don’t sweep or scrub your room in weeks or even months. Don’t clean your windows even though they are dusty. When you’re sick, that’s why Jaja is there for you. If you’re an ardent churchite, you can even turn your room to an appendage of your fellowship. Your roommates have no right to complain. Don’t they believe in God?

You need not stop there. You need to show how good God has been to you by proclaiming His name in the open. Always raise your voice so much that your peers would be jealous of your loudness. Some of them would be angry that you don’t want them to sleep; don’t mind them. They are evil. Worship your Lord by ensuring your peers feel you. Err…lest I forget, you can use anywhere from the lawns to the cafeteria, from the road to the classroom. Blessed are those who do this for theirs is the feeling of joy.

You must have been, by now, spiritually fortified; you’re covered. When in the classroom, you are free to destroy the university’s properties. Remember you paid for it. And, of course, the school doesn’t repair unless there is damage. Ignore others that haven’t got a place to sit, book a seat for a friend of yours who is yet to arrive. Just say, “Someone is there” to wade people off the seat. You are only being your brother’s keeper. Perhaps, that your friend may not show up in the end, don’t be apologetic to those you denied a seat. Just pretend as if all is well.

You also would need to be your brother’s keeper during elections. To vote, your Muslim or Christian brethren is your sure candidate. Forget what the candidate can do. Forget his credibility. The name Brother John or Sister Jameelah is enough to guide your choice.

And for you who was lucky enough to get the mandate of the students, rejoice. It’s pomp and pageantry for you! But tread gently, you must be loyal to the Elders of your Hall. The Elders, maybe not necessarily be elderly, can make you bite the dust; so you have to give them their dues. There would be time a big politician would donate money to your constituency, be a cheerful giver, especially to those loyal to you. Don’t be an ingrate.

Hey, you also need an Eve or an Adam, depending on your gender. You need a girlfriend or boyfriend. He/she would be your backup in the time of penury and erotic need. This shouldn’t stop you from going to church or mosque the next day o. After all, “those that claim holy are the baddest”. So don’t pretend. What is in your heart is what matters. Your deeds don’t count so much. By the way, the surest time to enjoy life is when you are in school, not when you graduate into the world of hustle. Add to that, you need experience before marriage. Get it from the best teacher.

Don’t make reading outside your syllabus a choice. It is not really necessary. Many people have tried it and it failed. This is why I’m warning you. During the exam, you cram. Read days to exams and test. When you get an A, tell the world you earned it! When you get a D, tell the world the lecturer gave you. If you know your way, you can also use what you have to get what you want. Don’t mind those that say people don’t buy mark in UI. They are liars. It is not sure they will make heaven. I wish you success.

Greatest UItes, there you have it! In case you try these guides and they fail, I guarantee you tuition-free scholarship into any other Nigerian university of your choice. 🤓

Happy resumption. Welcome back to school!