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The T.A. Report

Giant Abuja broom wins Guinness World Record for ‘stupidest campaign object’

Giant Abuja broom wins Guinness World Record for ‘stupidest campaign object’

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigeria’s ruling political party, the All Progressives Congress, APC, has just bagged the prestigious Guinness award for inventing the “stupidest campaign object in the world” known to mankind.

The object which was entered for the award by the party ahead of the 2019 general elections is a giant broom-like sculpture erected at the Abuja city gate, in the country’s Federal Capital Territory.

A spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records confirmed this in a release obtained by The T.A. Report on Sunday, describing the art as “remarkably stupid, totally lacking in imagination” and “the most laughable piece of campaign material we have ever seen”.

“When we received the application, we got to work by comparing the structure to all others available in reports from Ancient Greece to modern times, from communist regimes to democratic nations,” said the release.

“We discovered immediately that this one is matchless in its absurdity. It takes a lot of sacrifice and intellectual self-restraint to make something like this possible and we commend that,” it continued.

“We would normally expect that it takes decades before this record is broken in another political campaign. But, with the level of passionate competitiveness observable in Nigeria’s politics, we suppose anything really is possible. Giant squirrels, chickens, trees, and so on… you never can tell.”

Information Minister Lai Mohammed, reacting to the announcement, said it is a great honour for the administration of President Muhammadu Buhari and an affirmation “that we are now respected by the international community”.

“No other government or political party has brought fame to the country in this manner through its extraordinary ingenuity. The broom represents how we intend to have sweeping victory from the centre to all the crannies of the country,” he said.

“It goes to show also that the APC is serious not just about maintaining its hold at the capital territory but in the world at large.”

Meanwhile, the campaign spokesperson for the People’s Democratic Party candidate, Phrank Shaibu, responding to the APC’s challenge to build a similar structure, has said they do not need to compete in the erection of three-dimensional party emblems.

“For us, it is not size that matters or how intimidating an erection is,” he said, “but how long a man can last on the battlefield. That is the ultimate question, fellow Nigerians.”

“Besides, we do not need to start wasting money on new structures when giant umbrellas already litter the thirty six states of the country, as well as the Federal Capital Territory — thanks mostly to our call card sellers and small-scale enterprises,” he added.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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