Researchers from the Kilimanjaro Institute of Social Development, and Exaggerated Living (KISDEL), Nigerian Patterned Behaviour (NPB) department, have come out with a listing of top five traits that patriotic Nigerians show everywhere across the world.
This list was curated after a deep study of the behaviour of one thousand Nigerians in Isolated Research Labs (IRL), and five million Nigerians in the open concentration camp which we named Life Among God’s Own (prime) Sufferers (L.A.G.O.S).
The well researched list to being a patriotic Nigerian goes thus:
1. Only a Nigerian can kill a Nigerian
Our school of Psychopathic Behaviour has successfully proven with evidence from the six geo-political zones in Nigeria that Nigerians enjoy a psychological state which makes them furious when the death of Nigerians come from anywhere else that is not Nigeria.
The school references killings in Jos, Benue, on Nigerian Highways, in Biafran territories, in Kaduna, and other parts of the country which are being perpetrated by Nigerians in Nigeria, as evidence that population control (fancy word for genocide) of Nigerian citizens is a concern of Nigerians alone.
The school further mentions how Nigerians unite regardless of what zone you’re from, to condemn the killing of Nigerians in South Africa, attack on Nigerians in Ghana, and in other places. Thus, to prove your patriotism as a Nigerian, you must be willing to fight for the monopoly of killing other Nigerians.
2. Be selective in your anger
In 1997, during the reign of Nigeria’s most powerful dictator, Gen. Sanni Abacha, Nigerians found the most potent coping mechanism anywhere in the world. Tagged the biggest shock absorber, Nigerians found God in a domesticated fashion. The domestication of the Nigerian God also came with a virtue which has become the Nigerian identity; selective anger.
Because of the relationship Nigerians have with God, Nigerians have grown to leave basic things like embezzlement, nepotism, and other forms of humongous crimes for God to judge, then protest against LGBTQ, cross dressers, and other queer people. There’s a saying that a Nigerian’s anger only lasts a twitter trend.
If you want to be balanced in your world view about everything, you’re not ready to be Nigerian. Say, for instance, if someone uses nepotism and it doesn’t favour you, you point a finger and accuse them of tribalism. But when it favours you, the anger melts, and you call such favouritism “connection”. A patriotic Nigerian is never balanced.
3. An angry Nigerian hurts another angry Nigerian
As we’ve established that Nigerians are capitalists in the business of killing Nigerians, so are they monopolistic in hurting Nigerians especially when they’re angry. A Nigerian angry at the government for insufficient jobs will beat up another Nigerian to get his next food. Well, you may argue that this happens everywhere, but what is not ubiquitous is that a truly patriotic Nigerian, especially at times of cross-border anger, must hurt another Nigerian to tell people in other countries that Nigerians want them to stop hurting Nigerians.
4. Institutionalized suffering
Our school of Advanced Sciences and Technological Adaptation (ASTA), in a research conducted on three areas; A) Ease of using tech B) Using tech to reduce workload C) Automation, AI & 4th industrial revolution in Nigerian workplaces, discovered the most deeply rooted sociological addiction of Nigerians; suffering.
Nigerians are modelled to believe in hard work over smart work. Nigerians enjoy sweating for money, over chilling for money. This is enmeshed into common Nigerian dictum like “No pain no gain”, “no food for lazy man”, “no sweat no gain”. In government offices, it is commonplace to see Secretaries forwarding letters, applications, and requests that can be done with computers, being done manually. Also, in tertiary institutions, admission registration and clearances that can be processed on the internet would rather acknowledge a sweaty Nigerian.
This sweat and live style of living is so Nigerian, that anybody who is seen living fine in Nigeria without a known backstory full of pain, suffering, and sweat, is definitely a criminal.
5. Giant of Africa reminder
Even as Nigeria continues to trail in Economic advancements, technological developments, food production, and basically everything else, Nigerians are never found wanting in reminding the world that they are the Giants of Africa. In terms of population, Nigerians are like roaches; they keep multiplying in numbers, spreading everywhere across the world. And that is just enough to be the giant of Africa; population.
It is unimportant that countries like Mauritania, Rwanda, and even Ghana, are beating Nigeria in certain economies, because as a Nigerian philosopher Mr. VIC-O has rightly said, “if you don’t believe in yourself, who will believe for you? Nobody mehn. That’s the truth about it. You’ve to believe in yourself because you know you can do it. You turn impossibility to possible.”
The KISDEL continues to work on more behaviours that are peculiar to Nigerians, and will update the list as soon as we have more evidence for uniquely Nigerian behaviour. Our researchers work around the clock, and will continue to do what’s best for the Nigerian people from our labs across Kilimanjaro.
Hilarious. Brutally honest.