EKITI (The T.A. Report) ― Operatives of the Department of State Services (DSS) have arrested a geography teacher at Ori-Eran Community Grammar School, Omoyemi Sofela, allegedly for teaching solar revolution to students of Senior Secondary School One (SS1).

Our correspondent gathered that this incident took place on Monday evening, shortly after the afternoon lessons.

“They came heavily armed, with four minibuses and two Armoured Personnel Carriers,” one witness told The T.A. Report.

“We thought they had come for cultists and kidnappers in the area, but it was only Mr Sofela they whisked away. They told the principal they overheard him teaching the topic of solar revolution to the children, and whisked him away to an unknown location.”

“We’ve not been able to reach him since then,” he added.

Peter Afunanya, the DSS spokesperson, explained during a phone interview on Monday that Sofela was teaching an outlawed subject.

“It is treasonable under the present regime to as much as think the word ‘revolution’ or mention it to a newborn child, let alone teach it to secondary school students,” he explained.

“Now that Nigeria is finally peaceful and Boko Haram has been, you know, defeated, we cannot afford to have anyone destabilise the country or heat up the polity using such language.”

He added that the curriculum revision recently done by the federal government has suggested alternatives for topics or theories that may be considered (t)reasonably unfair to the administration. “Solar revolution” is now to be known as “solar gyration” and all historical revolutions, such as the 1917 Russian revolution or the 1959 Cuban revolution, are now to be referred to simply as unrests—but must not be taught in classes.

All mentions of the Biafran war and any coup d’état at all, bloodless or not, are also banned from classrooms, Afunanya warned.

“We are likewise soon coming for all those unpatriotic Nigerians who refer to themselves as comrades and revolutionaries on social media. We know they are working for Iran, and we will not hesitate to charge them under the Terrorism Act.”

The DSS also arrested Omoyele Sowore, publisher of Sahara Reporters and former presidential candidate, on Saturday “for threatening public safety, peaceful co-existence and social harmony in the country” and has kept him in custody.

Analysts say Muhammadu Buhari, Nigeria’s president and a former military dictator, is finally revealing his true body language.

“A leopard cannot change its spots and eight years is too long a time for a distinguished dictator to pretend he’s some ‘converted democrat’,” remarked a political commentator, who pleaded anonymity because “he’s claustrophobic and cannot possibly survive a day in jail”.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.