SOMEWHERE IN NIGERIA (The T.A. Report) ― The Nigerian Association of Armchair Critics and Social Influenzers, NAACSI, has … well… criticised President Muhammadu Buhari’s administration for not doing enough to catch up with the rest of the world since the outbreak of coronavirus in January.

At a press conference held on Friday through a Skype conference with journalists, the association’s national coordinator, Omolatoro Orolabi, observed that while advanced countries like Germany, France, and the US have confirmed hundreds of cases of virus infection, Nigeria is still struggling to have up to three suspected cases.

“It is unacceptable!” Orolabi stressed with a genuinely concerned look as he bent towards his laptop’s mic.

“Nigeria is always at the bottom of global rankings, especially under this government, and it is high time someone said something. What is so difficult in allowing the made-in-China virus to spread? After all, our streets are already saturated with countless Chinese products.”

He added that according to figures from WorldoMetres, Nigeria is ranked number 81 on the list of countries with total cases and deaths as a result of coronavirus, behind even places like Senegal, Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan.

“There is a reason some diseases are called diseases of affluence,” he said. “Nigerians deserve better than diseases of poverty like Lassa fever and Malaria. We should make it a priority to replace them with sexier western afflictions like coronavirus, cancer, obesity, and hypertension. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

The association, whose motto is “Oooin! Nigeria is not doing well” and whose members famously refer to themselves as political naacsis, is notorious for constantly pointing out areas where the country is underperforming, overperforming, or simply just performing.

Meanwhile, records show that, very much unlike him, President Buhari has travelled abroad only twice in 2020, one out of which was to another African country, no thanks — some secretly suggest — to the virus outbreak.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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