ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Most Nigerians seem not to get it, Information Minister Alhaji Lai Mohammed has said, that the ability to forge a certificate is the hallmark of “a true Nigerian politician”.
He made this statement in Abuja at the International Youth Day event organised by the Ministry of Information and Culture on Saturday.
In response to a question from the audience, the honourable minister said he finds it surprising that Nigerians are still shocked over certificate forgery scandals “of everything to be shocked about”.
“Certificate forgery?” he asked rhetorically. “Common! That is like one of the compulsory subjects in the Common Entrance Examination of the Nigerian Political Academy.”
“Please take note that I said common entrance,” he added, “not even SSCE or Post-UTME. It is very basic; so basic that we should no longer make a fuss about if we are serious as a nation.
“After all these years, after revelations upon revelations, how can we still be calling for politicians to resign because of an ordinary forged certificate. If that is what we want, then Nigeria will have no leaders, because there are only two types of politicians in this country: those who have been caught forging a certificate, and those who are waiting to be caught.”
Mohammed also described forging as the cheapest crime to commit, but said many like Kemi Adeosun, Nigeria’s Finance Minister, are still novices in the art.
“I wonder what kind of politician you are if you cannot forge a simple certificate and get away with it,” he said. “This is why I keep telling fresh bloods not to rush into politics without first learning from the grand masters.”
“Kemi’s case is special as she was appointed because of her forgery record. Itse Sagay was only being politically correct when he said she is a brilliant minister in spite of her forgery. In actual fact, she is a brilliant minister because of it.
“This administration is committed to fishing out and sanctioning companies and individuals who forge tax certificates, and we know it takes one thief to recognise another. And honestly, she tried because she’s had a clean public record, until those guys at Premium Times beamed their wicked light in her direction.”
The Information Minister promised that, in Buhari’s second term, the government will ensure to employ only expert forgers, who leave no trails behind them, because “we can’t afford to be wasting time on these small issues”.
Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … But, on second thought, maybe you should do just that.