06 August 2017

It was all joy and merrymaking yesterday, 5 August 2017, at the Senate Chambers of the University of Ibadan, as staff of the institution celebrated the purchase of a state-of-the-art machine. This machine, it was gathered, is a sophisticated printer specially programmed for the production of SDC (i.e. Student Disciplinary Committee) letters.

While addressing journalists after the gala, the Media Assistant to the Vice Chancellor, Mr Sunday Saanu, said the introduction of the technology is long overdue and further reinforces the university’s claim as first and the best.

“For a long time, we have wanted to purchase this sort of technology, but we could not due to lack of funds. But recent developments on campus left us no choice but to cough out the money. The university believes this milestone, the first of its kind in Africa, will further expel doubts as to her constant ranking as the best,” he said.

“With the machine, we can now roll out SDC letters with ease,” he added. “They can be printed in thousands all at once, and in clear font too. There will be no room for ambiguity or timewasting.”

“The Vice Chancellor His Majesty, Professor Idowu Olayinka, is a visionary leader. We already have a blueprint to upgrade the machine by 2020 to one with AI (Artificial Intelligence). If that is done, the machine can print letters all by itself and even email to the concerned students. If we feel a student needs to be sanctioned, we just need to input his name or matriculation number, and the machine will find a fitting allegation for such student,” Sunday, further remarked.

“As a matter of fact, we hope to evolve soon to a stage where students will be given SDC letters alongside their admission letters. As you enter the university, the machine will project what your future offences will be, give you a query and fix dates for your hearing. Isn’t it brilliant?” he asked, his face beaming.

Asked how much the machine cost, he said he could not say for sure but it ranged between 10 and 15 million naira.

The machine was imported from the United States of America and is reported to have been produced by Draco and His Many Wives Ltd. The TA Report is also able to confirm that, in terms of hardware, it is a replica of one located at the White House, currently used by President Donald Trump to arbitrarily sack staff of the US Government.

 


Caveat: This piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of any person’s credulity or mischief. Please, do not take us serious. Yet again, maybe you should do just that.