You be nepo, we be lapo
If we chop once a day,
Na privilege.
If you do the same thing,
Na intermittent fasting.
How to have it all in your 20s
It starts immediately after university graduation. You are not allowed to be confused because confusion is for unserious people. You must find a high-paying job, even if the only work experience you have is editing your friends’ CVs and making Canva flyers for your cousin’s catering business.
We have a miracle here
We are not like those places where a father rules from his thirties till his death and then hands over to his son. Our dictators here fuck you up nicely; they would put on a smile that would make you disbelieve the evils they do in secret.
Holy holy — and other Nigerian diseases
People are raised to believe suffering is spiritual. They’re told to fast their way through emotional abuse, and to forgive predators if they can quote Psalm 91. We have glorified silence and called it submission. And because nobody wants to offend “men of God,” many people suffer in silence, hiding wounds under long skirts and choir uniforms.
What it means to be a fine girl in Nigeria
There are many types of Fine Girls. We have the Fragile Princess, the Femme Fatale, and the Fancy Feminist—to mention just a few. Before you start assessing where you fit in, I need you to know that being a Fine Girl will cost you. It doesn’t matter what type of Fine Girl you choose to be. Not being a Fine Girl will also cost you; this one is certain. Remember that you are a woman: everything you do or refuse to do in this life will find a way to pull your wig.
Japa syndrome and the madness of staying
Many Nigerians, yourself included, have reached the conclusion that our lives can only truly begin at the airport—one hand clutching our suitcase, the other gripping our visas.
How to roll a joint: seven steps to self-destruction
To get on the journey towards societal oblivion, you need your materials ready and available. You’ll need some rolling papers, a filter tip, and the most important ingredient: your preferred substance. Now, I don’t know where to get them, but I can point you to people you can get them from. I see them rolling in the gutters (I mean, “roll a joint to roll in a gutter” doesn’t exactly sound bad); some are chained to beds in the hospital; in fact, I saw one roaming the streets fully unconscious, yet mobile. Haq!
10 songs to hold your hand through the Nigerian breakfast experience
Were you dumped or did you do the dumping? Do you want them back or do you never want to see them again? Are you happy, sad, or you’re just caught in between? It doesn’t matter; there’s a song for you.
How to boost your IGR if you run a university in Nigeria
Times are hard. Allocation is not enough. And, as a university administrator, you must balance your books. If you worry about how you are going to do that, worry no further: I’m here to help. Start with these five steps.
When it comes to NEPA, the change begins with your change-over
They toggle the power on and off as if it were a toy they were given to play with as children. At the NEPA office, they chant their slogan before restoring power, “You foolish people, we are about to turn on the light for you,” and when they shut it off again, another slogan resounds, “Back to sender, all your curses are not for us.”