From Our Allies

Fellow Nigerian students, as soon as you read this, it is not too late to consider a career path that does not require a university degree. You may decide to venture into the “crowd-pleaser” business, either as a motivational speaker, a pastor, or an entertainer. I hear these people are racking in millions of naira with each cheers and each Amens.

It was amidst the intense politicking for the governorship ticket of a major party in a south western state that an aspirant barged into my quiet suburb within the state. Flustered and embittered, he began a tirade, wailing against what he called the “nairanization” of our political system. This suave and urbane millennial had recently relocated from the Ottawa, Canada to “salvage his native state from the doldrums.”

There was a time when you were a big deal that even the US Dollars had nothing on you. Naira, you had a good thing going, kai! I mean, apart from the fact that you are sprayed in the air like insecticide by the same persons who enacted laws prohibiting anyone from doing same (how else do you expect them to show the world that they have arrived, eh?).

If you send a Nigerian witch a romantic message or poem, do not assume she has read it. Even if she has, she will pretend she hasn’t because such gestures don’t impress her. Same applies to dinner dates and flowers. The only romantic gesture you can offer that she will enjoy is when you go bankrupt in your attempt to make her feel good. Anything other than this and you are merely wasting your time.

As a lifelong member of the coven and after several postponements (of course), I have taken the pains and pleasure of compiling the beauty of the ways of the last minute people for the sheer purpose of sensitisation (these folks need to be educated). Nooo, I do not need to be praised. If I do not do it, who will? Others would procrastinate away, any way.

Your stories like the weather keep changing. The next day, you will narrowly miss the person you came all the way to see on the Island and you will need just some little change to get back home. The day after, your car will develop a slight fault down the road and you had left your ATM card at home…

Our religion is focused on ensuring multi-sectorial failure, war against progressive economic policies, cattle and normadic affairs, and entertaining insecurity and terrorist integration. These are the agenda Buhari has dedicated the last six years to achieving. It is the first time a sitting president will centre these four major areas of concern.

Being a despot in Africa is arguably the best job on our planet. I would have said universe but I have to be wary of that innate human hubris which may prove suicidal in the eons to come that makes us assume we are the only sentient beings in the universe or multiverse as the case may be.

A lot of people have been so curious on how they can effectively navigate the terrain of being a Muslim sister in Nigeria. Muslim sisters in Nigeria are different from other Muslim sisters in the other parts of the globe. Care to know what distinguishes them?

To start with, your boss, the Nigerian big man, most likely owns a protruding, very concave abdomen, which advances before him like a near-term pregnancy when he walks. This is his cherished certificate of membership to the big men club. You are warned never to grow one. The Nigerian big man abhors competition and treats disloyalty like leprosy.