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The T.A. Report

BREAKING: Boko-Haram recaptures Dapchi girls, says ransom not enough

BREAKING: Boko-Haram recaptures Dapchi girls, says ransom not enough

YOBE (The T.A. Report) — Barely 24 hours after the widely celebrated release of the Dapchi schoolgirls, The T.A. Report gathers that they have been abducted yet again.

A security guard stationed close to the Dapchi Government Science and Technical College said he received calls from many parents just after daybreak reporting that their children were discovered missing at the General Hospital, where they were taken to on Wednesday for checks and treatment.

An eminent member of Boko Haram confirmed to our correspondent that this truly happened. He cited the inadequacy of ransom paid by the Federal Government as reason for the second raid.

“The government is not serious at all,” he said, “When we released 82 Chibok girls last year, they paid us 2 million Euros. But now that we released more than 100 girls from Dapchi, they are saying they cannot afford more than $1 million, that the budget has not been passed and the economy is weak.”

“Please was the economy not weak last year?” he asked rhetorically.

“How many guns and bombs and trucks can we buy with just $1 million? Even the police with out-dated weapons can do nothing with it. How many wives even can our members marry with just $1 million? Please tell the Federal Government that we can make up to $10 million from these girls if we sell them to our foreign friends. We released them only because we love this community; but they may leave us with no other choice.”

The Minister of Information, Alhaji Lai Mohammed, has however denied allegations that the Government paid a ransom to the terrorist sect for yesterday’s release.

“We are looking into the information of the girls’ re-abduction. But don’t let anybody fool you that we paid Boko Haram. No. We only gave them little money to fuel the nine trucks they used to return the girls safely. All it really took was for President Buhari to throw his body language and weight behind the negotiations,” he said.

“We have been told that the Chief Medical Director of the General Hospital is a card-carrying member of PDP and close ally of Goodluck Jonathan; and we promise to look into this soon. First we must do all we can to bring back our girls,” he added.



Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … But, on second thought, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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