Earth C-137 (The T.A. Report) — Reports reaching us confirm that, after several relapses, Local Man* has given up trying to start the new year on a clean slate of good behaviour and discipline.

“Perhaps 2022 is not my year after all,” he admitted to our correspondent, as he sipped a bottle of alcohol wearing a wry smile. “Initially, I thought maybe I’d start over in February. But it doesn’t have the same kick to it, you know.”

A recent study conducted by the Pocotua Institute of Human Psychology (PIHP) found that about 92 per cent of new year resolutions made on the eve of 2022 had a lifespan of less than 24 hours.

The surprising result was disclosed on Monday by the institute’s Research Lead, Paul Tableau, during a press conference in New Zuland.

“We expected some sort of epic fail, but we didn’t think it would be this depressing,” said Dr Tableau. “Usually, for a couple of days, or even weeks, we witness a sharp drop in certain vices such as substance abuse, porn and internet addiction, and even one-(wo)man sexual activities, before they pick up again. But this time around, it’s like people did not even try.”

This study has been received happily by kleptocracies such as Nigeria where regime spokespersons reportedly described new year resolutions as attempts to overthrow the government.

“We do not welcome anything that threatens the perfect status quo,” one aide said. “Nature abhors a vacuum. From giving up old habits and becoming better, well-informed people, who knows what’s going to happen next.”

PIHP disclosed that some of the worst offenders were politicians, who had no intentions even from the beginning to keep their promises. For instance, one head of state in Africa, Modu Bwari, had said in his New Year address that he remained resolute in his “determination to overcome the several challenges along the path to build the great and prosperous nation of our dream”.

“But when we reached out to him a day after the speech to ask how his resolution was faring, he merely laughed his ass off on the phone,” one PIHP source revealed.

“What is this? I can’t even remember what I said. I just read what Pemi gave to me.If you have any questions, please direct them to him,” President Bwari had allegedly replied.

Meanwhile, Local Man has not completely given up on himself, as he’s hanged his redemption on yet another circumambulation of Earth round the Sun.

“We go again next year,” he said re-assuringly. “At least that gives me something to look forward to in the long term.”


*Depending on your ideological leanings, you may read this as Local Woman or Local Person.

5 1 vote
Article Rating