‘We are not ordinary bandits,’ Nigerian terrorists insist

A coalition of Nigerian terrorist organisations operating under the umbrella of the Supreme International Terrorism Confederation has condemned attempts by government officials and members of the public to classify them as bandits, insisting that such descriptions diminish the professionalism of their work. 

The coalition, made up of splinter factions of Boko Haram, a group the federal government previously declared “technically defeated,” made the announcement during a press conference facilitated by representatives of the entire Nigerian defence establishment, some traditional rulers, as well as selected religious bodies and NGOs. 

Speaking at the conference, the organisers reiterated that they were not trying to take over the role of the government. 

“Rather, we are trying to hold the hand of the government and guide it towards doing the right thing,” a religious cleric stated. 

The spokesperson for one of the terrorist organisations, in his opening address, appreciated the segment of the country that still understood the fact that they, the terrorists, were Nigerian citizens. According to him, it is this level of support that keeps them going. 

“We all want peace. But we have our jobs. We are highly trained professionals operating in a competitive security disruption sector. It is insulting to compare our work with ordinary banditry,” another terror leader said. 

Ministry of Defence is a joke — agitated terrorist 

Apart from the “bandit” misnomer, the terrorists unanimously condemned actions of the government, especially those of the Minister of Defence, whom they accused of trying to downplay their activities and claiming that terrorism is not as terrible as people make it out to be. 

“It is very serious. And we would like to ask for a change in who is in charge,” the jointly signed statement read by the group said. 

Responding to the coalition’s statement, a representative of the Nigerian Security Services, one Sergeant John Doe, read out a prewritten statement appreciating the efforts of the terrorists and promising to take their demands back with him to Defence Headquarters. 

“If you know us, you’ll know we’ve always emphasised that the condition of terrorists is also pitiable. Nobody is trying to slaughter anybody like pigs. We just need to find consensus and mutual understanding,” the statement read in part.

However, sources close to the situation stated that Sergeant John Doe had the misfortune of being sent there because, a few days before the terrorism conference, former members of terrorist groups who had been absorbed into various security outfits mutinied in a separate protest, which is believed to have been aimed at expediting the process of conducting the conference. This left the leaders of Nigeria’s defence establishment scrambling to find someone expendable and uncompromised. 

Terrorists list further demands 

In rounding off the press conference, the terrorists made various demands, among them that the government set aside part of its budget to finance the welfare and activities of their members. An Office of Terror Liaison is expected to be established to coordinate terrorist affairs in order to avoid unnecessary clashes with Nigerian security outfits. 

Their other demands include: 

• Veto powers in national policymaking to protect terrorist interests across the country. 
• The renaming of the Ministry of Defence to the Ministry of National Security and Terrorist Affairs. 
• Contributions to a welfare package by the government, private sector, and citizens. 
• Tax incentives for newly established terrorist cells. 
• Federal character quotas for terrorist recruitment. 
• Annual Terrorist Excellence Awards hosted by the Ministry of Information. 

They also enjoined media professionals to be unbiased and to “not choose sides when we fight”. 

“Last year, when we got into a skirmish with the Army, some reporters were thorough enough to find out the casualties on the side of the Army. But they didn’t bother to hear our own side,” a terrorist lamented. 

“You kill a bunch of people and suddenly you’re the bad guy,” another added. 

International Terrorism Confederation speaks 

The Supreme International Terrorism Confederation, in a statement posted across its social media platforms, described the press conference as a step in the right direction. 

“It is about time that we got the respect we deserve for all our actions. The conference in Nigeria is a first of its kind. It is a small step. But it is a step in the right direction. We look forward to a future of respectful coexistence with governments around the world,” the statement read.

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Oluwagbenga Kolawole loves reading, writing and satirising political and social issues. When he’s not doing that, he’s blowing bubbles and fighting crime. He writes from Abeokuta, Nigeria.