The Minister of Statistics 

A government press briefing room. The national flag stands behind a long table draped in green and white. A large banner reads: “MINISTRY OF STATISTICS AND NATIONAL DATA: IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHER FACTS REQUIRE APPROVAL.” Journalists sit facing the podium while ministry officials shuffle papers and adjust microphones.

Announcer: Gentlemen of the press, I welcome you to the first press conference of the new era in the Ministry of Statistics and National Data. As you all know, the Ministry of Labour and Human Resources has been split into three in a way that would effectively handle the amount of work there is. Without much ado, I would like to introduce the new Minister, who was also the former Minister of Labour, Mr Ignatius Lawal. 

Minister: Thank you very much, Mr M.C. For future reference, I am Dr Ignatius Lawal. I’m correcting you because I’m forgiving; other people probably won’t be as forgiving. 

Having cleared that up, I would like to say proper record-keeping is the spine of civilisation. Our new ministry will take charge of collating data and other information that agencies like the Bureau of Statistics and other bodies have improperly handled. Through this, and with the collaboration and cooperation of the citizens, we hope to achieve greater and beautiful things. 

I will now open the floor for questions. 

Pressman A: What is your take on Nigeria’s unemployment rate and how do you think this issue can be solved? 

Minister: So grateful for that intelligent question, I’m glad you asked. You see, everything in life must be properly defined. When we say unemployment, our ministry has chosen to define it to mean adults of working age who work for fewer than seven hours a week. As long as they’re working for at least an hour each day, they’re employed. 

(Room stirs.) 

I know this might be surprising, but not every graduate needs a formal office job. If a graduate is regularly being sent to buy bread, recharge electricity units, collect parcels, or escort younger siblings to school, that individual is clearly rendering services to society. So my advice is that, if you know any unemployed youth around you, try to be sending him/her on errands. That way, we can increase youth employment to 100%. 

Pressman B: What is your take on the inflation rate in the country? Don’t you think it’s concerning how rapidly it’s been climbing?

Minister: (grins widely) There are so many intelligent reporters in the room today. But on a more serious note, I want to assure everyone that the situation is not as bad as you think it is. In order to allay public concern, under this new dispensation, national economic data are now classified information. 

We realise that since too many people have access to the information, they have been spinning very wild narratives about it. You know, our opposition parties and other foreign bodies who want the worst for this country would rather we be panicking than see how much progress we’re making. So anyone caught talking about the inflation rate or quoting figures from international bodies, NGOs, and other media houses—basically any figures except those officially declassified and endorsed for public consumption—will be fined heavily and could also be looking at twenty years imprisonment. 

(Murmuring in the room.) 

Announcer: Please, let’s maintain decorum. Thank you. 

Minister: Yes. But we’re not monsters, so we will release some economic data to the public every four years. This is to help our country as a whole. 

(Silence.) 

And on another note, if you really think about it. As the Yoruba people say, whatever is hard will become soft. The “terrible” inflation numbers are an indication of the fact that bigger things are coming into our economy. But the “so-called economic experts” will not tell you that. 

And that is why we are here. Whatever statistics we release, we will be the ones to interpret them. Any other independent interpretation will attract fines and other penalties. 

Pressman X: Don’t you think your actions could lead to restricting the public’s right to know and flagrant human rights abuse? 

Minister: Calm down, Chinedu. There’s no need to be so triggered. None of that will happen. Does anyone else have a question? 

Pressman C: Following from that previous question on inflation rate, there have been recent concerns that the minimum wage is not what one can call a living wage. Investigations by journalists and media houses all over the country show that— 

Minister: Let me cut you off there. I find it ridiculous that people are complaining about the minimum wage being small. The entire point of a minimum wage is for it to be small; that’s why it’s called minimum. If people don’t find it sufficient, they should get additional jobs. People in developed countries do that. Let’s not be lazy. 

Furthermore, I do not understand this recent obsession with the phrase “living wage”. The evidence before us clearly demonstrates that people receiving minimum wage are alive.

In fact, many of them have been alive for many years while earning it. If it truly were not a living wage, they would have stopped living a long time ago. I mean, I don’t see any dead people complaining that the minimum wage is not a living wage (chuckles). 

Pressman D: Recently, we’ve seen a rise in the spate of extrajudicial killings and human rights abuses. But the various government agencies, much to public outrage, often find a way of displacing the guilt. What is your take on this? 

Minister: (long pause) You see, the deaths and cases of harassment are a sad situation. A really sad one, but we really need to trust the government agencies more. I was discussing this issue with the Honourable Minister of Enjoyment and Public Welfare last week and we both agreed that ordinary citizens need to cooperate with law enforcement agencies. Your rights are whatever the guy holding the gun says it is. 

(Room stirs.) 

The job of our law enforcement agencies is already difficult without any ordinary citizen proving difficult. They need your support, too. Anyone caught posting any cases of human rights abuse without any express approval of our ministry will face the full wrath of the law. 

Pressman X: What you just said, sir, is classic censorship and human rights abuse. Don’t you think you need to rethink your policies? 

Minister: (irritatedly) You don’t even know how stupid you sound right now. (Hisses) It is only censorship if you don’t allow people to talk. Under this government, you can say it once, but you can’t say it twice. In other places, people are not even allowed to talk, and you’re here accusing us of nonsense. 

Pressman X: But— 

Minister: (Gestures to security) Why’s this guy still here?! 

(Security officers move toward Pressman X.) 

Pressman X: Wait! You can’t do this. You— 

(Security officers bundle him out of the room.) 

(Screams are heard from outside.) 

Minister: Sorry about that. Any other reasonable questions? 

(Clamouring from journalists.) 

(The minister closes his file.)

Minister: Thank you all for attending. This has been a very successful press conference. 

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the ministry is pleased to announce that all questions asked today have been satisfactorily answered. Thank you. 

(The journalists erupt in protest.) 

(Lights out.)

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Oluwagbenga Kolawole loves reading, writing and satirising political and social issues. When he’s not doing that, he’s blowing bubbles and fighting crime. He writes from Abeokuta, Nigeria.