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The Nigerian handbook on how to get a man

The Nigerian handbook on how to get a man

By: Orisaheyi Bisola Omolade

Hello there. If you are reading this, you are either a desperate Nigerian woman in need of professional advice on how to secure a man or a Nigerian man who would like to understand women and why they do what they do. For those who fall under the former category, it is expected that you discard all prior knowledge you have about getting a man seeing as it didn’t get you anywhere, no offence. Why do you want a man? Why can’t you get a man? What kind of Nollywood movies do you watch? Do you think you are cursed? Are you ready to sacrifice to get the man you want? These are important questions you need to ask yourself. Answer truthfully and you may not even have to read this.

We shall begin with the most sensitive topic: sex. You see, virginity is for underage girls; a social construct that hardly holds water. Once you celebrate your eighteenth birthday, it is mandated that you find anything with a penis to stretch your hymen. After all, fornication was created by God to be enjoyed by all. I must warn you, however, if you also enjoy pain while urinating, consuming different pills daily, or in extremely rare cases, pregnancy, do not use a condom. Some of you may be tagged ‘holier than thou’ with a school of thought that says no to premarital sex and hence decide to skip step one. It will not end well I tell you, but what am I here for? I advise that you read my next book titled ‘How To Lie Efficiently To Avoid Sex’ coming out next year by God’s grace. I beseech that you do not pull the ‘VIRGIN TILL MARRIAGE’ card on any man. Nobody will pay for a car they can’t drive first.

To get a man in Nigeria is the second easiest thing, after passing JAMB and entering the University in one attempt. If you have the money, your wardrobe should include the latest outfits, wigs, bags and shoes. Remember, you need to give something to gain something. But if you are on a tight budget, there’s a market in a certain state known for great imitations. You won’t be able to tell the fakes from the originals until you get home and put it on but that doesn’t matter, it’s Lewis Vitton. The concept of ‘Packaging’ is very important and not to be taken lightly if you want a rich man who will love you for your character and not your looks. (After all, it is this same ‘looks’ that will train your future children and teach them how to be like you, or even better). Manners can only take you so far and besides, who wants to talk to a pauper who can’t buy sharwama, cake and ice-cream when you have the cravings? You’re free to snub everyone and anyone who doesn’t look rich enough to afford you.

Dear ladies, rich men are mostly found in the following places: church, school, club, hotel, mall, road, firms, airport, seaport, restaurant, mosque, shrine and in your dreams. Make sure you always wear your indecent dresses to these places to avoid being caught unfresh. Your cleavage is a measure of the attention you deserve, so display it accordingly. Know that you are undebatably beautiful without makeup, but just imagine how you’d look with longer lashes, pink eyelids, a pointed nose, heart-shaped lips and a smooth acne-free face! Lucky are those with big breasts and ass for our Nigerian men only have eyes for them, but be mindful of the belly fat. If you are skinny (A.K.A plasma TV), you may choose from varying options such as taking pills and herbs to become thick, going to the gym for revenge body or simply loving yourself the way you are.

For all those who choose self-love, I must warn you beforehand that your self-love will not help you in a party when you can’t shake what your mama gave you and make your man proud. Fun fact: did you know that your walking step speaks volumes? Please, arch your back, suck your stomach in and catwalk like Rihanna. You are the definition of elegance and perfection; act like it. Never forget to check for rings or ring marks on their fingers before initiating a conversation with a prospect, I’m only here to teach you how to get a man not be a home breaker.

On no account must you bring out the Nigerian woman in you in the presence of a prospect. You must involve words such as ‘uhm’, ‘gotta’, ‘kinda’, ‘duuh’, ‘wanna’, ‘ain’t’ and so on in your speech with a touch of British accent so you sound elite. If he takes you to a restaurant, order classy dishes like fried rice and chicken with salad and plantain by the side. If you must eat swallow, do so with a fork. You don’t want to mess up that expensive manicure, do you? Remember it is mandatory to order takeaway for your friends at home so they know he’s rich. If he says no, make a scene, delete his number and place him in the ‘most useless dates/guys’ category. During conversations, the truth is hardly needed. He won’t always want to hear about your hobbies or your five siblings. There’s a book titled ‘Devil Behavior/Skills All Desperate Women Should Have’. It’s not out yet but I believe it will have everything you need. I highly recommend you follow influencers like Bobrisky, Mercy Eke, Tacha and Toke Makinwa on Instagram for free tutorials in the course ‘Packaging and Social Media’.

For women above thirty, whenever you look at the mirror, constantly remind yourself that you are five years younger than your age. The more you say this to yourself and the men who ask, the younger you become. Never tell a man your real age. It is not only an abomination; it can attract curses from your dead village people and you are likely to die a spinster. You must always have makeup on to hide those wrinkles and irritating saggy cheeks or you may go for a botox surgery to make your ‘forever young’ journey official.

If you are really in need of a man, you should know by now that things such as obtaining a degree, starting a career, or getting a job should be the least of your worries. Men have the ability to solve financial problems. All you need to know about your country is the first stanza of the national anthem and the president’s name in case you need to apply for a visa. I suggest you read the news on Opera mini because they are all true and in the future, if you must talk about the Nigerian economy in the midst of your husband and his friends, make sure you are  inaudible and return back to the kitchen quickly because that is your place. Your voice doesn’t count when you are married. You are the weaker vessel and must act like it if you want to keep the man you have worked so hard to get.

Now, kindly get a pen and paper or take a screenshot because this is important. It’s only normal to save the best for the last, please allow me to introduce the fastest and surest ticket to get a man in Nigeria. We have products ranging from Special Packages to Kayanmata to Favour Oil to Blue Eye Bracelet to Spiritual Body Scrub to Touch And Do; to mention but a few, all at jaw dropping prices. Interested buyers may contact Angela Nwosu, Omashola or Jaaruma Empire at your own risk and disappointment. The only disadvantage to this method is that marriage is not guaranteed. But who wouldn’t want a fine lady like you as a baby mama or a side chick? For the less privileged (with money), you can visit your local shrine, and should the native doctor request for too much, get a picture of the prospect and await Shiloh or any other ‘My-year-of-marriage’church programme in the following year. The Bible says in Matthew 21:22, ‘If you believe, whatever you ask for in prayer, you will receive’. Don’t be carried away though. When your reverend or pastor makes an altar call for single women, stay in your seat. You don’t want to look overly needy and desperate.   

Finally, when this book magically helps you get a man, make sure you get the proposal you deserve. Don’t settle for a quiet one. To show his undying  love for you, he’ll arrange the kind of proposal that will trend for years on social media and anyone who has functional hormones will comment ‘God when?’ under the post. 2 Corinthians 15:7 says ‘But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded’. Trust me, I also hope this work will be rewarded.

Orisaheyi Bisola hails from Ilaje, Ondo State. She is a 300 level student of the prestigious University of Uyo; department of Microbiology. She enjoys travelling, music, writing and also possesses a keen eye for the fashion industry.

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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